COP: Nobody on the main floor. Let’s check upsta–
GIRAFFE COP: Nobody upstairs
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me: any clue how my house burned down
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
[car dealership]
ME: [not savvy] i need a new car SALESMAN: what kind
ME: car
SALESMAN: haha what kind of car
ME: [perspiring freely] new
[my dog poops]
man: pick it up!
[my dog poops faster]
Okey dokey.
my doctor says eating red meat is like a steak thru my heart
When you put “This page intentionally left blank” in a report, the page is no longer blank. Thank you for coming to my Pedantic Ted Talk.
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
*school reunion*
Guy: Reporter is cool I spose. I became a doctor so I could actually help people ya know
Clark Kent: *fist clenched* mmm hm
One of the best facts is that sharks are older than Saturn’s rings because it suggests that sharks might somehow have noticed, like they might have looked up one day and said ‘wait, have you done something different with your satellites?’
For financial reasons, I’ll be giving everyone birthday gifs this year
me: *eating spaghetti sandwich*
carb god: *rubbing biscuit hands together* goood goood
I love giving a little kid the tongue, and then watching him run to his mother holding the severed tongue I just gave him.
What he said, “Let’s just drop it.”
What I heard, “I can’t think of a single way to win this argument, I bow to your wit and intelligence.”
The pen can’t be mightier than the sword if actions speak louder than words. Someone needs to make their damn mind up here!
[ first day working at a pet store ]
customer: can i see that fish bowl?
me: sure let me get his shoes
me: I ONLY GOT 3 HOURS OF SLEEP LAST NIGHT AND I FEEL GREAT MY BODY HAS FINALLY LEARNED TO EFFECTIVELY AND EFFICIENTLY USE ENERGY
me, 4 minutes later: o god i am dying
I’m going to open a store selling trinkets with profound sayings like “Life is better without crippling obligations” or “Bills are easier to pay when you have money.”
i am going as a ‘credit card’ to this halloween party, cause i plan on being used irresponsibly.
“if anyone asks, i’ve been here the whole time”
The kids are asking for fun shaped sandwiches for their back-to-school lunches and I’m so flattered they’ve mistaken me for the kind of mother who would do that
[House Hunters]
*sitting in a blind, in the wilderness, waiting for a house to come*
*chimney slowly appears on the horizon*
The toughest test in a marriage is interpreting the statement, “Don’t get me anything for Christmas.”
*pterodactyl wakes his wife up pissing at 3am*
WIFE: I thought your pee was supposed to be silent!!!
[diner]
ME: I’ll have the eggs, please
WAITER: how would you like those?
ME: painted and hidden for me to find, thank you.
Studies suggests, 9 out of 10 men prefer a girl
with a big butt. The 10th man prefers the other 9
men.
My daughter found a dinosaur bone in the grass at her preschool and IT IS NOT A STICK. Do not even think about telling her otherwise!
me: *googling* am I dying
web md: nope just sad
me: oh good
web md: and extremely melodramatic tbh
me: that’s fair
web md: and I think your anxiety would be more manageable if you got a job and paid rent
me: *shouting from the basement* mom did you hack my computer again
Marriage is wearing the same shirt for three days in a row and on the third day, your husband asking if you got a new shirt.
If I have to bless 3 or more of your sneezes, it’s an exorcism at that point. Sorry but you’re on your own.