@TheToddWilliams

COP: Nobody on the main floor. Let’s check upsta–

GIRAFFE COP: Nobody upstairs

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@Sarcasticsapien

Having bad dreams is the best way to prove you can’t even do being unconscious right.

@AlisonAgosti

If Jesus died for our sins then why are there so many popups when i try to watch a movie online illegally

@Qckhd

Gets in shower

Washes hair

Thinks about a tweet

Forgets if washed hair

Washes hair

Gets out of shower

Forgets tweet

@KentWGraham

My wife and I come from very different backgrounds. Her family is French and Irish, and mine is suffocating and unstable.

@JohnLyonTweets

COACH: [to player with head injury]: What year is it?

PLAYER: 2020.

COACH: Correct. Who is the president?

PLAYER: I don’t know.

COACH: Also correct.

@DaHess1

Shout out to bicyclists that yell “on your left” as they pass me so I know which arm to clothesline them with.

@lawrence_bear

Apparently sleeping your way to the top, doesn’t mean dozing off in meetings or taking naps in the copier room.

@Kryzazy

Got kicked out of the grocery store again for re-enacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe don’t play Unchained Melody on the loud speaker and we won’t have this problem.