COP: Nobody on the main floor. Let’s check upsta–

GIRAFFE COP: Nobody upstairs

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Having bad dreams is the best way to prove you can’t even do being unconscious right.


If Jesus died for our sins then why are there so many popups when i try to watch a movie online illegally


Gets in shower

Washes hair

Thinks about a tweet

Forgets if washed hair

Washes hair

Gets out of shower

Forgets tweet


My wife and I come from very different backgrounds. Her family is French and Irish, and mine is suffocating and unstable.


COACH: [to player with head injury]: What year is it?

PLAYER: 2020.

COACH: Correct. Who is the president?

PLAYER: I don’t know.

COACH: Also correct.


Shout out to bicyclists that yell “on your left” as they pass me so I know which arm to clothesline them with.


Apparently sleeping your way to the top, doesn’t mean dozing off in meetings or taking naps in the copier room.


Got kicked out of the grocery store again for re-enacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe don’t play Unchained Melody on the loud speaker and we won’t have this problem.