@existential_d

cop [on phone]: we need help identifying the body

wife: what were his last words

cop: he said.. that he loved you a lot

wife: but how did he say it exactly

cop: tell [borat voice] my w-

wife: it’s him

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@Mr_Kapowski

Spice up your otherwise trite wedding by making the groomsmen act as pallbearers and carry the groom to the altar in a casket

@Mom_Overboard

Receptionist: Psychiatric Unit, can I help you?

Me: Yes, I’d like to make a reservation…

@sageboggs

Worst flight I’ve ever been on. Waited for hours, plane never left the ground.. I’m never flying Airbnb again

@NoogsCorner

Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.

@maughammom

Me: “Want a banana?”

3yo: “Yes, but don’t cut it up. And don’t peel it. And don’t make it be a banana. Make it be a waffle.”

@3sunzzz

About 20 minutes before my husband gets home from work I spray Febreze, then he assumes I cleaned something.

@chaseisangry

Concept: The Purge but it’s 24 hours where retail workers are as rude as they want

“Do u have a bathroom?”
“No we shit outside like bears”