Spice up your otherwise trite wedding by making the groomsmen act as pallbearers and carry the groom to the altar in a casket
cop [on phone]: we need help identifying the body
wife: what were his last words
cop: he said.. that he loved you a lot
wife: but how did he say it exactly
cop: tell [borat voice] my w-
wife: it’s him
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Receptionist: Psychiatric Unit, can I help you?
Me: Yes, I’d like to make a reservation…
Worst flight I’ve ever been on. Waited for hours, plane never left the ground.. I’m never flying Airbnb again
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
Body by Oreos
Me: “Want a banana?”
3yo: “Yes, but don’t cut it up. And don’t peel it. And don’t make it be a banana. Make it be a waffle.”
About 20 minutes before my husband gets home from work I spray Febreze, then he assumes I cleaned something.
Maybe if Red Bull gave me buffalo wings i’d give a shit.
Concept: The Purge but it’s 24 hours where retail workers are as rude as they want
“Do u have a bathroom?”
“No we shit outside like bears”