@existential_d

cop [on phone]: we need help identifying the body

wife: what were his last words

cop: he said.. that he loved you a lot

wife: but how did he say it exactly

cop: tell [borat voice] my w-

wife: it’s him

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@BlackJerms

I’m an introvert but also a narcissist so if you could find a way to praise and compliment me without having to talk to me, that’d be great

@SarahFemme

The quickest way to find out the time is to order a beer at breakfast with your mother.

@Scimommy

Tried to impress 9 by making up sentences containing 3 of her vocabulary words at once, so now she knows what “nerd” means.

@Sarcasticsapien

Charles Manson not only got a woman while in prison, but a woman that only wanted him for his body. Screw Tinder, I’m going to prison.

@shutupmikeginn

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@LizHackett

I want my house to be tidy enough that if someone unexpectedly stops by, it doesn’t look like we’re seven hours in to battling a bear that broke in.

@MichaelTrying

All along the watchtower, people squinted and said “I told you we should have built a clock tower.”

@OneFunnyMummy

My kids and I are exact opposites.
They cry when I walk away, and I cry when they walk towards me.

@simoncholland

What was the deal with that dude wearing a tie and an apron at brunch? He kept writing down everything we said, he gave me the crepes.

@3sunzzz

My husband put a few of his items in my luggage. I can’t believe after 31 years I am still dealing with this shit. It’s like he has no idea how selfish I am.