ME: [in santa costume, covered in chimney soot] that was hard. how does santa do it
WIFE: well santas not real, hun
ME: [drops cookie] WHAT
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Nobody:
4-year-old: Can I call people peasants at school?
[cleaning the garage]
ME: just sweep all the dirt and leaves into the driveway
12YO: ok which app do I use
ME: it’s a push broom, there’s no app
12YO: is it on mom’s phone
ME: no app. push. the. broom.
12YO:
ME:
12YO: so should i download it
I swear they do that thing where they close a lane of traffic, cut out holes, and then refill them with new concrete just to piss me off
Q: If everyone jumped off a cliff, would you?
A: I don’t know. If everyone used the same hypothetical question to demonstrate a point, would you?
Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then hung up.
I’m getting sick and tired of these cold calls.
I can’t explain it with science, but the older I get the softer I want my clothes to be.
Just had the good fortune of seeing an ad for a website which is currently offering a 10% discount on some of its products and/or services. Thought I’d mention it in case anyone’s looking for some great bargains 👍.
(Speaking to 7 year old)
Lying is wrong. Now go tell them you’re 6 so we can board the flight early.
Sex is great but have you ever perfectly clapped the hand clapping part of a song?
Nobody puts baby in a corndog.
Them: Who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
Them: No, I wasn’t finished. I meant, who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
[shapes strands of hair from the drain to form a love letter on the shower wall]
stop slamming the toilet seat in the middle of the night or I will murder you
If you’re ever hiking in the woods and you get lost, just look up and find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
His tongue explored the hole, probing deeper and deeper until she just couldn’t take it any more.
‘Would you just eat your donut already?!?’
fake deep people on this website will post like “do not spend time explaining yourself to people who are committed to misunderstanding you” because they got in trouble for being on their cell phone at work
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
There’s a brewery right next to my kid’s karate class. I propose we combine these two businesses — call it ‘Hops n Chops’.
50% of raising kids is begging them to use their words.
50% is begging them to be quiet.
Company loyalty can often be explained by Stockholm syndrome.
I shed so much hair, I couldn’t commit a perfect murder if I tried.
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas.
Go to tattoo shop to get both legs fully covered. Before he touches me w that needle, I run off yelling ‘thanks for the free shave loser!’
Please say a prayer for my former coworkers. They’re fine but they still work there
wife: can you stop messing around
lawyer: im not
wife: just read my husband’s will please
lawyer: that’s what it says.. “oOoOoh im a ghost”
Them: Go big or go home
Me, 30 mins later, in my bed: This is nice
Whenever I hear someone call my name, my first instinct is to walk faster
Granny moaning “godfuckingdammit” as she vomits Red Lobster scampi. @RedLobster: What’s your favorite seaside memory with your grandparents?
There are 363 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up.
Unbelievable.