Cop: Open the trunk please
Me: *suddenly defensive*
I have a permit for thatCop: Okay you don’t need a permit but why is it full of Queso?
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Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Yes.
me: *coughs up mucus* JESUS
wife: quit blasphlegming
Hansel and Gretel is a timeless tale about the importance of killing old ladies.
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
So instead of doing laundry I just spent 2 solid hours ranking my laundry baskets from favorite to least favorite.
Be the reason someone gets out of bed in the morning, even if it is just to make sure the door is locked.
Read It and Weep: A Book on How to Cry
You say “leftover bacon” like I’m supposed to know what that is…
I miss being able to study with complete focus for hours. Now I read one sentence and check my phone to see if penguins have legs or just feet
DOCTOR: Are you sexually active?
ME: No.
DOCTOR: Are you at least active?
ME: Also no.
Free pizza at work got me like “Fine, I’ll come back on Monday”.
Only my kid could make “when we get home I’m going to craft something” sound like a threat
Me: *airbrushing a wolf howling at the moon among a starry night sky*
Detective: honestly just a chalk outline around the body is fine
Current adult status: Just got into a heated debate about whether or not Merida from Brave is a Disney princess. I won. She is not.
Going to couples therapy with my alibi until we make it work because I’m not giving up on this relationship.
[strangers in goat masks dance around a bonfire as I’m being tied to a wooden stake] It’s getting pretty late guys, I should probably head out
Well well well… looks like someone put on some weight again.
~ my pants right now
I am having an out of money experience.
If you see a porcupine in your yard, that’s my cat and we’re not done with our accupuncture session.
John Hammond: We’ve got miles of electrified fence to keep the dinosaurs in and the guests safe
Me: Awesome so there’s no chance one disgruntled employee could disable them all with minimal effort right?
John Hammond: Haha what
*in the basement organizing LEGO by color and size*
My child: Can I help?
Me: *straight up hissing noises*
It’s like Santa didn’t even care that Rudolph had a coke problem?
One of the most unexpected results of my extended sobriety is that I’m still clumsy as hell.
Do NOT play Yahtzee with squirrels.
*seductively corrects your posture*
Coworker: Do you ever think about work at home?
Me: I don’t even think about work at work.
“So you’re a foodie? What’s a foodie?”
“We enjoy eating out and trying new food.”
“So you’re like everyone else, except you brag about it?”
<at first day of t-ball practice>
Me:What’s the first rule here, boys?
Kid:Don’t poop your pants?
M:I was gonna say “have fun” but…OK.
My husband made me a drink & told me to sit down while he makes dinner & all I can say is, whatever he did wrong, I’m totally fine with it.
It’s important to remember where you parked the get away vehicle.