COP: Pick up that wrapper.
ME: No.
COP: Okay, have a nice day.
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Got him!
ME: I need to pee really bad
TEACHER: can you hold it?
ME: probably not. my hands aren’t very good at retaining liquid
🤣🤣
Gary was no plumber but applying the knowledge acquired from previous experience he quickly fixes the leak by just leaving a bowl under it.
Some jerk called me “pretentious” so I called him a “planktupus.” I can make up nonsense words too.
What’s your guide about?
Type “Explorer’s Guide to ______” and let your phone fill in the rest!
Mine is: Explorer’s Guide to you have got to be kidding me.
Well that’s the most on brand one I’ve ever done! Good job phone! 😆
#wildemount #critters #dnd
yoooo let ur cat know i said pspspsps
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“Hi. Long time listener, first time caller.”
“That’s really funny.”
“Thank you. Anyways, I’m being stabbed.”
The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll.
[skydiving]
cute instructor: open your chute!
me: lol make me
You go on cruises when you only want to experience other countries cultures for an hour and still have Budweiser and chicken fingers for dinner
I had beer at lunchtime and now I think I might be sitting in the wrong office
To the person that put “SMILE” as their name on the printer… I will not!! In fact, I will hunt you down and force you to watch me frown.
DMV CLERK: go to the end of the line it’s gonna be a while
WAITER: excellent
Pardon the mess, the dog startled me and I threw my shrimp scampi into the ceiling fan
My smart washer was hacked by the Russians so I couldn’t do laundry today, at least that’s what I’m going to tell her.
Kate Middleton is in between Kate Lefton and Kate Righton.
Me: I’m 29, I’m not that old! I have my whole life ahead of me.
Me around a 20 year old: I am the grim spectre of death. I have seen empires rise and fall like the endless shifting dunes. Time has no meaning.
do singers know a song will be big beforehand? like that snow white hi-ho song, no way those lil’ dudes knew, they were just mining and shit
Terrible things can happen if you go camping. For starters, you could want to go camping again.
I put my pants on just the same as everyone else…
With one hand, so I don’t have to sit my phone down.
The honesty is refreshing
I fell down the stairs earlier but thank god my dogs were there to wag their tails and step on me
You may be little now, but don’t be discouraged. Someday, you’ll be a man just like me.
*baby starts crying*
My kids are so aware that I’m a bad driver that if I start the car before they have their seatbelts on, they cry.
@Book_Krazy @funTweeters 🙂
Now that he’s back, Trump’s tweeting again which begs the question, does the Pres of the United States not have an international data plan?
After three hours with the kids my husband asked me to put him in time out and I was like: Hell no! it’s my turn
We’ve designed you a new phone 007.
It’s exactly the same as your old phone but you’ll need to buy a new charger.
just took a call from a patient whose bday was 04/20/1969 and had him repeat it to me 3 times