Cop: please step out of the car
Me: *pulling away* suck it, cop!
Roller coaster operator: he’ll be back in 2 min 24 seconds

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Learn to negotiate like my 5-year old. Instead of asking, “Can we please get a kitty?” he asked, “Are we getting a kitty today or tomorrow?”


winery employee: can u tell what this one has hints of


winery employee:

me: hm [swirls glass, sniffs] grapes


Dear God, make me a bird. So I can fly real high and then shit on people.


Me: Did u get a haircut

Dad’s brain:

don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it

Dad: No I got ’em all cut


Surprise parties for Lindsey Lohan probably have that “Intervention-y” feeling at first.


I added broccoli to my kid’s Mac n Cheese and now he’s sitting in a spinny chair, petting a hairless cat and plotting his revenge.


Priorities: before we worry about all of this we really need to get all the child eating clowns out of the sewers.


10: What does AF mean?

After Flossing. Now go brush your teeth and they will be clean AF.
Why do you ask?

10: Mom said you were lazy AF.


Chips are not only delicious, but if you crunch them loud enough you can’t hear your children anymore.


I sprained my wrist again furiously writing a check, tearing it from the checkbook and going “I trust this will suffice.”