cop: [pointing at me] he with you?
him: never seen him before
me: [welling up] what the hell Jerry we literally just robbed a bank together
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My wife and I had a real Fairytale wedding. A wolf killed her grandma during the ceremony and then we ate stolen porridge from some bears.
Airport Security: Please remove your shoes
Man: Don’t be ridiculous, I’m no terrorist
AS: Sir, do you want to use the bouncy castle or not?
stan is such a liar – at first he’s like “i’m your biggest fan” but THEN he says his little brother matthew likes eminem even more than him
You may think a squirt of water in the face is the best way to reprimand cats but turns out it works pretty well on people too.
Your Joke Is Factually Incorrect – A Guide to Dying Alone.
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.
A new dating show where couples have 30 minutes to meet, date, get engaged, get married, buy a house, raise 3 kids, retire, travel and die old together.
Bruce Wayne’s poop is not only crazy, it’s batshit
we have ways of making you talk mr bond
[introduces dave]
this is dave, he’s a vegan
“OK ENOUGH”
Better than a Justin Bieber concert:
1. Being deaf.
2. A rattlesnake bite.
3. Chewing razor blades.
4. Licking a public toilet seat.
[at the gym]
ME: Hey, can you spot me?
GUY: Sure, which machine?
ME: *gestures to vending machine* Right over there
Goku in church: “This Jesus guy sounds really strong. I would have loved to fight against him!”
Currently arguing with my toddler over how to spell the letter “A” if you’re thinking about having kids
cop: way to go, mystery inc., you’ve caught yet another monster
shaggy: no problem
cop: lets celebrate by eating those brownies we saw in the mystery machine
shaggy: haha lets not do that
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
[someone stops being my friend]
ah that’s sad they must have died
What kind of outfit says “I want you to let me stand in your group so I don’t look like a loser but I don’t want to talk to any of you”?
[shopping]
May I help you find something?
“Where are the giants?“
What?
“Your sign outside says there’s a giant sale.“
The liquor store clerk just wished me Merry Christmas like he’s not going to see me 8 more times before then.
People with house arrest ankle bracelets get so touchy when you compare them to a dog’s invisible fence.
3:
[in bedroom]
*refuses to pick up toys*
[at playground]
*picks up three cigarette butts, a band-aid, and half a dead bird*
I just spent 15 minutes searching for my phone in my room, using my phone as a flashlight…
Her: You secretly think all of your coworkers are morons, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
BAE: wats for lunch
ME: i feel like a sandwich
BAE: u dont LOOK like a sandwich
ME: [secretly been trying to dress sandwichly for weeks] oh.
It was that very moment when we realized our shared love for multipurpose utensils brought us together & that’s when the sporks flew.
Me: I’m worried my cold is making me deaf
Doctor: What are the symptoms?
Me: They’re a yellow cartoon family
Hiring a sky writer to remind my wife about the time I emptied the dishwasher.
If you send her a message and she doesn’t reply in six months she is probably thinking about it
me and the Superbowl rn
Interviewer: so tell me your strengths
Me: conducting interviews
Interviewer: *narrows eyes*
Me: so tell me your weaknesses
Interviewer: *starts sweating*