COP: pull over
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
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*makes breakfast for two
*eats both of them
If you give a man a fish he’ll eat for a day but if you teach a kid how to make pop tarts your job as a parent is pretty much done
“Why did you leave your last job?”
-I had a typo in a tweet.
“Mistakes happen!”
-I worked for Yahoo Finance.
“Thanks for coming in. Bye”
pitching a show called Hitler about a guy who’s always being attacked by time travelers
I hate dealing with fresh garlic. Each individual clove with their little f***ing paperwork.
i once worked with someone who told customers “sorry, it’s my first day!” any time they messed up. for 2 years straight
Ok, I’ll admit it, my choice of words is sometimes influenced by which ones I think I can spell correctly.
Every country has a wafer cookie, and every country thinks they invented it
I shrunk my husband’s hoodie in the dryer, so now I have to convince him that he gained 30 pounds overnight to hide my mistake.
1) Put on chicken costume
2) Go to store to pick up eggs
3) Run up to store manager and emotionally scream “WHO DID THIS TO MY CHILDREN????”
Occasionally, the universe will send a sniffly stranger to stand too close to you in the store and inexplicably follow you through a couple aisles. Just for funsies
Did it hurt when YOU fell from heaven?
If so, contact the law offices of Leon Molowitz, and get the monetary compensation you deserve!
Dammit my husband found my candy stash in the bag of riced cauliflower in the freezer. He’s good.
A comprehensive list of the times I will willingly and happily go for a run:
dad: snapping a pic of your grandma in her coffin is weird
me: it’s socially acceptable these days
dad: just hurry up so we can put her back in the ground
Find someone who looks at you the way a 125 pound dog looks at your lap as you’re trying to eat dinner on the couch
Came back from the doctor and told my wife that I was perfectly healthy and I could’ve sworn she mouthed the word “crap”.
Cashier: what’s with all the pineapple juice?
Me: *winks*
-Spends the night making delicious umbrella drinks with my cat.
I want “Diet starts tomorrow” written on my tombstone.
4 out of 5 dentists now say eat all the candy you want. 4 out of 5 dentists also want to upgrade their yachts.
My husband is outside talking to people. Tonight, he will be outside sleeping.
Things that don’t exist:
1. Fairies
2. Elves
3. Gnomes
4. Trolls
5. Whatever item my wife sends me to the grocery store to get
Time estimates:
“Give me one sec” – Within the hour
“I’ll be one minute” – An hour or two
“I’m on it” – Maybe today
“In a bit” – Sometime this week
“It’s on my list” – Perhaps this month
“Leave it with me” – Possibly never
“If I have time” – Never
My daughter is playing “you can’t find me, Mommy”… I’m playing “I’m not trying, Suckaaaa”.
[after finding and hanging out with bigfoot] does anyone have one of those pet hair rollers
If you really want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2024….
I’ve never played Jenga, but I have had to extricate myself from a sleeping toddler in my bed, so I think I could handle it.
[boarding a flight]
me (to the pilot): “ohhhhh boy. who let this guy in here.”
pilot (chuckling): “good morning sir”
me (way too familiar): “you’re not gonna cause trouble today, are you?”
pilot (annoyed): “what?”
me (getting really serious): “you need to be playful with me”
My snack didn’t taste very good.
Now I’m gonna hafta cleanse the palate w a large buffalo chicken pizza for lunch
I know. Life’s tough.
When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten.
When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that shit.