This is a fact based meme 😏😂
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Bummed cuz parents wont send their kids to my resort that teaches how to pay attention.
I thought “Concentration Camp” would be a gold mine.
I saw a banner by a local restaurant that told the community thanks for 30 great years and my mind thought “oh so since like 1960s they’ve been open” then I finished reading the banner “Since 1992”. well shit.
Look, just because Jeff Bezos looks like Lex Luthor & acts like Lex Luthor, doesn’t…uh oh.
Sometimes I like to call random numbers and if an older man answers I’ll say, “Hi. I know this sounds crazy, but I’m your daughter.”
That moment of panic when you realize you haven’t checked on your Farmville in like 6 years
me: ugh i hate subway. worst fast food chain by far
alien I befriended: on my planet there is no word for “hate”
funny that they call it a bell pepper, and yet the onion rings
Sometimes you gotta go all Shakespeare on a bitch. Remove thy undergarments hastily, unless ye wisheth me to release seed upon thine eyes.
Her: WHAT?!
Him: *stops walking around* I said, do you like my new shoe horns?
Me, a good parent: Oliver we talked about this [wrestling coat onto a walrus] u can still catch a cold despite your thick layer of blubber
[tavern]
Jerk on stool next to me:
Which do you like better my looks or my personality?Me: I’m gonna need more options.
I like big MUTTS & I cannot lie
U other breeders can’t deny
When a dog walks in with a pretty mixed race & spots all on its face it gets PET
Break the ice when sending business emails by being the first to use a poop emoji
My kid upon learning his actual name is Charles and not Charlie
The princess and the pea
But me, finding a rogue cockroach in my shoe and almost shitting myself on the bus
Told my boss I would be turning in my badge and my gun. He said you work in IT, why do you have a gun.
Them: Oh, you only need a few pounds of tannerite 👌🏼
Me: Ah, the elusive white penny
Cashier: That’s a button
My 3 yr old is so encouraging. I changed my shirt; she says”Daddy, you did it!” If she finds out I use the potty by myself, she’ll flip out.
Being popular on Facebook is like being the smartest kid in summer school.
When I go to the store my wife writes me a very detailed and specific list of the things I should get pfft, like I don’t know what cookies and ice cream I like.
People who put a strip of bacon on a donut, where does it end? You wanna put a braised lambshank on my cupcake? Why don’t I open up my chocolate croissant and you can shove a live trout in it
one day, after your children have moved out, you realize it was your husband who you needed to hide the good cookies from all along
I don’t want to alarm anyone but there’s only 365 shopping days left until Christmas
I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.
If you hate Capitalism so much, then just write everything in lower case. Problem solved.
Eat healthy, but remember that greasy foods protectively coat your heart so it pops out of the fist of those who attempt to crush it.
“just gonna move this somewhere so i don’t lose it”
famous last (known whereabouts) words
“We want to take our engagement photos here at the library.”
“That’s fun. Are there parts of the library that are especially meaningful to you?”
“Not really, we never use the library.”
“Then why take your pictures here?”
“We want people to think we’re people who use the library.”
Well, I don’t know how my tattoo is gonna look when I’m 60, Carol, but I know you’ll be dead by then so