@clichedout

COP: pull over

ME: no it’s a cardigan

You Might Also Like

@indiedaylie

Storks leave cute babies. Crows leave ugly babies. Swallows leave no babies!

@AristotlesNZ

Congrats on the wedding dude. A present? Na man, everyone brings a present. I brought a past. Remember your ex-fiance Jan? Jan! come say hi.

@liv_thatsme

“WHAT DID YOU DO WITH MY 40 POUNDS OF SPINACH?”

Me: I cooked it for you. It’s over there, on that teaspoon.

@enigmaterics

One thing I’ve learned about getting older is that not everything is as how it appears.

Or I need new glasses. Again.

@Brianhopecomedy

My 3 year old is singing the rare 19 hour version of “Let It Go”, using only 3 words.

@stephenjmolloy

Doctor: You have acute appendicitis.
Me: And you have a cute face. Drinks?

@Cheeseboy22

It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.

@ComedicBust

Girlfriend: How old were you when you lost your virginity, 16-17?

Me: [remembering having a bowl cut until I was 28] Around there.