Storks leave cute babies. Crows leave ugly babies. Swallows leave no babies!
COP: pull over
ME: no it’s a cardigan
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Congrats on the wedding dude. A present? Na man, everyone brings a present. I brought a past. Remember your ex-fiance Jan? Jan! come say hi.
“WHAT DID YOU DO WITH MY 40 POUNDS OF SPINACH?”
Me: I cooked it for you. It’s over there, on that teaspoon.
One thing I’ve learned about getting older is that not everything is as how it appears.
Or I need new glasses. Again.
My 3 year old is singing the rare 19 hour version of “Let It Go”, using only 3 words.
How do I rate our solar system?
Doctor: You have acute appendicitis.
Me: And you have a cute face. Drinks?
me: we had a baby
friend: what was the weight?
me: about 9 months
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
Girlfriend: How old were you when you lost your virginity, 16-17?
Me: [remembering having a bowl cut until I was 28] Around there.