Cop pulled me over and said ” Papers?”
I said ” scissors” and drove off
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Smile for the camera. Laugh for the pencil sharpener. Dance for the refrigerator
Can’t we just sew all of the candidates together & have the first multi-headed president?
It’s cute when kids say what they want to be when they grow up. You’re gonna write emails on the computer buddy
Laundry to do list;
□ whites
□ towels
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ darks
1995: oh cool, an online book store
2025: “please scan this qr code and take a brief survey in order to flush your toilet”
Sometimes when I get a compliment I stop, moonwalk out of the room and yell “Thank You “just to leave them hanging.
Being a parent means hiding in a closet to eat a donut so you don’t have to share.
we got a new bathroom accessory and now the toilet is amazed when I pee
I don’t drink coffee all the time.
I take breaks in between to make another one
Interviewer: We noticed a gap in your employment.
Me: Yes, that’s why I’m here. I need a job.
Interviewer: I’m sorry. Please come back when you already have a job.
[guy who just got out of prison on a technicality]
“what were you in for?”
murder, a guy… a guy…
“spit it out man”
a guy, interrupted me
If you do not brick up your chimney this year to keep Santa out, you’re not taking this virus very seriously.
IF YOU CHOOSE NOT TO DECIDE, YOU STILL HAVE MADE A CHOICE is something I like to shout at people who hold up the line at Taco Bell.
I keep my bouncy castle in my basement so I don’t get blown away.
They call it “childbirth” lest we get confused and give birth to a full grown adult.
Burglar: *breaks into my house*
Wife: Quick honey, grab something!
Me: lol why have you brought your wife with you
Burglar: Shut up, she gives good advice
nice idyllic small town ya got here…it’d be a shame if it harbored a deadly secret
lapland disappeared when finland got up from a chair
They should make custom Starbucks cards that say, “I wouldn’t normally be buying your coffee, but I got this gift card.”
My mom is terrified of how fast I drive on the freeway, so I’m preparing a soothing little playlist for when she comes to visit in a few weeks
[1st day working at bank]
BOSS: What are you doing??
ME: I gave that man a personal loan.
BOSS: YOU’RE THE JANITOR
I pray every night that I never become religious…
my kindergarten teacher taught me to always put glitter in cards when i mail them. in case you’re wondering why i’m so diabolical
“Hello, Yes, This is Otter.”
Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Feed a man to the fishes, and you’ll never have to share your food again.
Just watched 3 people jogging outside and it has inspired me to get up and close the blinds.
5 cats in this house and not one will ride the Roomba WHAT A JOKE.
Tear gas is the saddest gas.
My son is on guitar, my daughters are on drums and harmonica, and I’m on my second ibuprofen.
You are right, 27 is “just a number” but I’m looking for a man, not a boy.
No offense.
PS: Save my number… just in case I change my mind.