Cop *pulling me over*: alright, is there anything I should know about?
Me: heart attack symptoms of men and women differ a lot. Men have chest pain while women mostly feel nauseous
Cop: awesome, see, I didn’t know that. Have a nice day
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I got fired from being the events coordinator at the local orphanage. I think it’s cause family day never really took off
Did you know you can gain 20 pounds in 2 months, but it takes 3257 days to lose 5 pounds?
My kid’s wish list at age 6: An adorably misspelled handwritten request for toys
My kid’s wish list at age 14: A professionally designed slideshow with links to big-ticket items that ends with the phrase “open your hearts and your wallets”
Tonight I will make history!
Turns off incognito mode
My DNA results came back and apparently I’m .0002% aardvark. Which pretty much answers all the questions I’ve ever had. About anything.
Me: You can’t fire me!
My circus boss: Just get in the cannon
[Date rolls over in bed & gasps in horror]
Me: [In nothing, with pantyhose over my head] Did you know the average person swallows 8 spiders a year in their sleep?
Mosquito *bites a vampire*:
Holy shit, this guy’s a whole buffet!
I never feel more betrayed than when my hair won’t cooperate because it’s too clean
If aliens come I hope they bring us a new animal to eat. I’ve about had it with beef and chicken.
one of the dumbest varieties of video you see on social media is the whole “this guy built a complete pub/bar/etc in his home!” thing. a bar is a place you go to that has other people. dress it up however you want you’re still drinking alone in your basement, man
My favorite part of parenting is watching the same tiny human that just happily ate what he pulled out of his nose, gag over my homemade lasagna
Delta Airlines Execs: oh COME on!!
Corona Beer Execs: FINALLY!!
My kid asked me for a boomerang so I handed him the apple that has gone back and forth in his lunch for the past week
To everyone in this doctors waiting room: calm down. I’ll hit the right note on my trumpet eventually.
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
ME: I’ll take that angry cantaloupe.
FRUIT STALL VENDOR: You mean the pineapple?
My 3-year-old put a blanket over her head and ran around like it was an invisibility cloak, but not for long.
It made walls invisible, too.
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
No one said your ‘cheat day’ had to be an Earth day. I use Mercury, it has a 1,408 hr day
boss: my secretary said you needed to see me urgently.
me confident I’ll get the raise I want because I found out his gamer tag: that’s right punished_gordon.
Finally all the people in the White House are being polite. They are all running around saying “pardon me.”
I have so many mistakes. It’s hard to choose a favourite.
I tried to help my third grader with some practice IQ test questions, and either he’s a genius or I’m a potato.
A few years back a guy in law school asked me how much for a foot massage and being the idiot I am, thought he was asking how much I paid for reflexology so I said “I pay $50 plus a tip but my guy is booked for the next 3 months” and he didn’t talk to me again until 2L year
U know how In a box of chocolates there’s always one disgusting one? That was my idea, I came up w that. “Put a gross one in there” I said
Spring is here!
I got so excited I wet my plants!
I jump out in front of you and open my trenchcoat, but I’m fully clothed. I start showing you the kittens I keep in the pockets. Are they wearing their own tiny raincoats? Heck yeah they are
Do not drink and drive..
because there are people out there who text and drive…
and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!