Cop: Pullover!
Me: It’s a cardigan.
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Wife: could you just run to the-
Edward Scissorhands: you want me to WHAT
My husband ordered a hearing aid off of Amazon. I’m so screwed you guys.
therapist: how have you been coping with everything
me: with sarcasm mostly
therapist: has that been working
me: yeah it’s been super great
Wearing high heels and releasing doves at weddings are so last century. I’ll be wearing running shoes and releasing chickens at mine
Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once
[twirling my bra above my head like a helicopter and it gets stuck on the ceiling fan, im launched thru window into neighbors yard]
me: hey
[At the job interview]
“We’re looking for a super friendly bright & bubbly person.”
“Would that be for the whole time?”
Now that Christmas is over, don’t forget to be thankful for all the children in China who made your kid’s toys.
I hate when I’m pooping alone in the house and I hear a noise.. please don’t kill me while i’m pooping..
My toddler woke up upset because he couldn’t find his glasses, but what really set him off was when I told him he doesn’t even wear glasses.
Drinking at home is convenient, sure, but it’s nothing like the experience of leaving the pub feeling fifty bucks lighter.
Imagine breaking up on the moon but then you have the whole rocket ship ride home together
robber: me n Lenny will handle this job tonight, obviously you’re gonna be lookout again…sorry Joe
giraffe: this is bullshit Steve
Me: He’s a great baby, just doesn’t really sleep much.
My baby, if he could talk: Whoa whoa whoa! I sleep! As long as you hold me while standing – facing north – sway at an even 37 sways per minute, while Israel Kamakawiwoʻole’s Over the Rainbow plays. Why is this so hard?
I needed this today. He takes a break. Lol
Wanna hear a joke?
Sleep.
I know, I don’t get it either.
Remember the good old days when everyone was going to hell in handbaskets instead of in flaming runaway mine carts?
18 hasn’t had a haircut since the start of the pandemic, yesterday he let 20 cut his hair so he could donate it, today the post office lady asked what I was sending and I said a ponytail and not another word, anyway, I’m expecting to be on a list by end of day.
If you have nothing mean to say, say it in German.
Friend: I’ve been so productive lately! Today I’m gonna organize my closet, color code my bookshelf and bake allllll the bread.
Me: That’s awesome. I’m gonna try to keep my phone from going below 20%.
*stands near cute dude in store*
ME [pretending to be on my phone]: PLEASE doctor, when will I be cured of my no gag reflex problem *winks*
When gathering all the laundry I tend to find other items that have been missing for a while.
I just don’t remember how this frying pan got in between the couch cushions.
her: aww you’re a cat dad!!
me: yeah, part of me thinks cats ward off evil spirits or multidimensional beings
her: oh-
me: that’s probably why they kill so many birds
her: i… um…
me: and also they’re tiny lil angel babies
her: yay!!!
“Quinoa” sounds like something a ninja would say before kicking you.
I was raised to be humble which I excel at cause I excel at everything.
Whales are just primitive elephants that walked into the ocean and then kept walking.
Cool I just discovered I can speak my tweets into my phone exclamation mark
Me: You are pretty.
She: Thanks.Me: I wish there was something between us.
She: Me too.Me: Really?? Like what??
She: A wall.
My daughter was giving me major attitude so I asked her if she’s seen Rapunzel and she said yes and I said keep it up and you’ll be locked in your room like that tower until your hair grows that long.
My neighbor called me an old drunk which really offended me. I’m not that old…