*cop pulls me over*
“blow into this please sir”
“whyy dont you blow on THIS officer!?”
*i hand him a flute & he plays it beautifully*
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I don’t drink water anymore, not after what it did to the Grand Canyon
The egg whites carton in my fridge looked like the creamer carton and now I have omelette coffee.
I cleaned the house last month and it’s already dirty again. Life is SO unfair.
ethics professor: ur failing my class
me: [slides over $20] how about now
I was sad to have to throw my son out of home, but it was either him or the cat.
Parent hack: if you tell your kids Monday is a holiday they’ll wake up early and you can get them to school on time.
*adds 50lb of bird seed to cart*
Acme online: people who buy this also buy
– bird-feeder
– giant mouse trap
– jet-propelled pogo stick
– painting fake tunnels for dummies
-first aid kit
– anvil
[yelling at a maple tree] Release your pancake sauce to me you piece of shit
GOVERNMENT: groups of more than 2 people are banned
HUMAN CENTIPEDE: oh no
I don’t want to intimidate anyone but I did my laundry and took the clothes out of the dryer on the first try.
“What’s your name?”
“I am Daenerys Targaryen, Mother of Dragons, Khaleesi to Drogo’s riders-”
*Starbucks barista quits on the spot*
No one:
My Dad at dinner last night: It takes a lot more to burn off your fingerprints than you would think.
Tell your wife her butt looks big in those jeans.
Live a little.
it’s weird to me when people say their heroes are writers, actors or directors when there are people who say “well, goodnight” and go to bed in the middle of parties they’re hosting
I like being a landlord for people I can feed noodles to all the time because they’re lo mein tenants.
graphic design students be like i have a alphabet due on friday
If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* I NEED HOT WATER FOR MY CUP O’ NOODLES
This horse is a great reminder that our generation did not invent shitposting, it merely adapted it to another form
Dora the explorers parents don’t give any kind of shit about Dora. She’s 7 and she’s flying planes and shit to South America with a monkey!
7: Mom! Will you play Uno with me?? I already have it set up and I definitely didn’t look at the cards before!
Me: Well I’m convinced.
men what’s stopping you from looking like this
BREAKING NEWS: Area Dad Wants You To Close The Damn Screen Door; He Isn’t Running A Hotel For Bees
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
Boss: Why is there an olive in your water?
Me: What water? Oh yeah this, this is definitely water.
teen me: I just wanna find a girl who’s nice and pretty and smart and kind
40s me: who wants to get freaky with mayonnaise, no weirdos
I’m gonna say Amazon 3 times and hope my scarf I haven’t ordered yet appears.
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
Haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching a priest use a crucifix to break up a fight between a raccoon & a telephone repairman?
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.