*cop pulls me over*
Cop:Had a bit to drink tonight?
Me:What makes you think I’ve been drinking?
*cop leans over and turns off lawnmower*
You Might Also Like
Hell, it’s the 70s all over again. Cheap gas, shaggy hair and no where to go
DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table
DATE: Ok
Ruffles? Oh you mean the corduroy chips?
[job interview]
Me: Time travel
Boss: What is your biggest stren—WHAT?!
I am in the battle of my life with tangled macrame and I may not make it. If a spider finds me, I’m screwed.
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I’m doing my best
[After Sex]
Him: how was it for you?
Shakira’s hips: well…
you can hear the blood in your veins if you listen varicosely
i’m a 44 y/o man that can’t pretend anymore wtf is a timothee chalamet
I just kept my pants buckled for 30 minutes straight so I think I know a little bit about endurance training, Sheila
not sure how I feel about the depiction of albert einstein in oppenheimer. he’s not even sticking out his tongue
So many pants.
So little yoga.
When people ask What Would Jesus Do, I remember how he hid in that cave for 3 days after people were so mean to him.
That’s more my speed.
Lost my chapstick today, but a few hours later I found one on the floor of a men’s room at an interstate rest-area. Looks like my luck is finally turning around.
“Red Hot Riding Hood” (1943)
A sequence so famous (or infamous, if you’re the censors) that it’s been replicated, homaged or outright ripped off in countless pieces of animation. The reaction shots of the Wolf are still as funny as they were 80 years ago.
Girl seeing my torn jeans
Where’d you get those?!
*remembers trying to pee on a hill & stumbling backwards through thorn bushes*
The Gap.
SIRI, CALL FOR HELP! Searching for kelp. OMGYOU IDIOT! SIRI, GET AN AMBULANCE! There are 23 listings for lap dance in your area.
Guy 1: I do a poor impression of Sean Connery.
Guy 2: Shame.
GOD: for this to work, I need them to feel love
CUPID: how about I shoot them through the heart with an arrow?
GOD: ur starting to worry me
“What a tangled web we weave”
-Earbuds
If you’re having a bad day, just remember someone is dating your ex and thinking they got lucky 😂
“The best eggs are stolen,” I said.
“Poached,” my wife corrected. “Poached.”
10yo: I’m confused. The paper says “20s theme.” But this is the 20s. So we dress like we do everyday?
Me:
Me:
Me: That’s exactly what it means.
I’m planning to adopt a dog soon, it wasn’t my first choice but my doctor told me I can’t have any biologically.
our love story in four pictures
We should have burned social media to the ground when they started helping us reconnect with old friends
Staring out into the horizon..
Me: this is so peaceful, tranquil & romantic
[Bf holding up a stuffed lion]
Bf:Ah zabenya za dabib du da
[meeting girlfriend at the park]
Her: Surprise! I made us a picnic!
Me: *unfolding emergency bib from wallet* Holy shit let’s do this.
Relationship Status: Just asked the bag of Doritos laying in bed next to me if they had enough room
Little Known Fact:
Bon Jovi has five brothers: Bon Joi, Bon Joii, Bon Joiii, Bon Joiv and Bon Jov