@PajamaBen_

*cop pulls me over*
Have you been drinking?
No I-
*water bottle now full of wine*
*officer lowers shades. its Jesus*
No one will believe you

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@CloydRivers

Hey ladies, No Shave November ain’t for you. Just saw some gal lookin’ like she was tryin’ to smuggle a cactus in her yoga pants. Merica.

@ArfMeasures

[1st day at work]
BOSS: Erm..we..have No Smoking rules here

ME: That’s great Alan [blows out smoke] most places have loads of smoking rules

@joshy_beck

There was a cricket on my toilet seat so I just backed out awkwardly. Lock the door next time, bro.

@MenHumor

Female Viagra has been around for years It’s called money.

@JennyJohnsonHi5

I hate when people think my real name is Jennifer, because it’s not, it’s Jennitalia.

@Fickle_Filly

Autocorrect changed ‘lover’ to ‘liver’ and that’s ok because I need one of those too.

@007Rex_Inc

Saint Peter: Name

M: David

SP: You’re in

M: Even after that night in Nogales?!

SP *winks*

*takes a step*

*trap door opens*

SP: Sucka!