*cop pulls me over*
Have you been drinking?
No I-
*water bottle now full of wine*
*officer lowers shades. its Jesus*
No one will believe you
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The older I get, the less judgy I am of Norman Bates spending his life with a dead lady in a chair
Date: I like guys who are sensitive
Me *through mouthful of ice cream* this hurts my teeth
Made plans to exercise with a friend and now I have to go get in a car accident.
*Licking my plate clean
Girlfriend)You still have to wash that
Me)This house is a prison
My coworker Pete got fired and apparently I didn’t lighten the mood by calling him Obsol-Pete.
Always remember, if you ever need me, I’m just several phone calls and unread texts away.
New year new me
Narrator: we’re not falling for that again
Me: damn
Anything guitarists say while leaning back to back during a solo is protected by law like confession or attorney client privilege.
america famously invented speed limits during the cold war, back when they didn’t trust anyone that was rushin’
Therapist: You pretentiously slip French words into conversations because of your deep-seated insecurity.
Me: Touché.
*wakes up hungover, sweaty*
*licks arm*
*gets drunk*
You can’t take a purebred dog to the park the ducks will eat them
You have an October wedding, I’m bringing a 12 ft skeleton as my plus-one, Tamantha.
The year is 2044. After trillions of dollars and thousands of lives lost, the SpaceX program lands a man on Mars.
Mars: I have a boyfriend
If Dracula were on Grindr, he would be looking for a guy with a blood sausage.
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people that use birth control and the people that step on Legos at 3am.
Thursday, 4:01pm
“Still there.”
“Yep.”
“Looks blue.”
“It certainly does.”
“Wet too.”
“Totally.”
“See you next week?”
“Count on it.”
I am yelling
My parallel parking skills are unparalleled.
My toddler asserts dominance by demanding ice cream then just holding it till it melts and I have to clean it up
Lawns are weird. Let’s grow 7000 of the same thing and nothing else.
A sad text from my wife when we were dating was “I don’t feel good, I can’t make it tonight.”
A sad text from my wife today is “Don’t forget to pick up cauliflower rice on your way home.”
my sister took her 4 yr old to adopt a pet kitten and she immediately ran to the black one, picked it up and held it to her face as she said, “i’m a witch now, i can’t wait until school tomorrow.”
i’m afraid for whoever crossed her at preschool
t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t
~ just dotting some i’s and crossing some t’s.
deleting my dating apps and meeting people the old fashion way (3+ years of a sexually tense friendship that devolves into weird cat and mouse games until one of us has to start seeing a psychiatrist)
Find someone who looks at you the way a 125 pound dog looks at your lap as you’re trying to eat dinner on the couch
[itsy bitsy spider diary]
Day 47 of my attempt to climb water spout. Weather looks good. Hopeful.
Just because I am an Italian American doesn’t mean my family is in the mob….
It means we used to be.
Forgot the word ‘flyswatter’ so I just called it a death spatula