A gaggle of geese. A murder of crows. A nope of laundry.
*cop pulls me over*
Have you been drinking?
*water bottle now full of wine*
*officer lowers shades. its Jesus*
No one will believe you
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Hey ladies, No Shave November ain’t for you. Just saw some gal lookin’ like she was tryin’ to smuggle a cactus in her yoga pants. Merica.
Nobody wants to see your Ice Bucket Challenge video.
The dream has died.
[1st day at work]
BOSS: Erm..we..have No Smoking rules here
ME: That’s great Alan [blows out smoke] most places have loads of smoking rules
There was a cricket on my toilet seat so I just backed out awkwardly. Lock the door next time, bro.
Female Viagra has been around for years It’s called money.
I hate when people think my real name is Jennifer, because it’s not, it’s Jennitalia.
Autocorrect changed ‘lover’ to ‘liver’ and that’s ok because I need one of those too.
Saint Peter: Name
SP: You’re in
M: Even after that night in Nogales?!
*takes a step*
*trap door opens*