*cop pulls me over*
Have you been drinking?
No I-
*water bottle now full of wine*
*officer lowers shades. its Jesus*
No one will believe you

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[1st day at work]
BOSS: Erm..we..have No Smoking rules here

ME: That’s great Alan [blows out smoke] most places have loads of smoking rules


There was a cricket on my toilet seat so I just backed out awkwardly. Lock the door next time, bro.


Female Viagra has been around for years It’s called money.


I hate when people think my real name is Jennifer, because it’s not, it’s Jennitalia.


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Saint Peter: Name

M: David

SP: You’re in

M: Even after that night in Nogales?!

SP *winks*

*takes a step*

*trap door opens*

SP: Sucka!