@thatUPSdude
Her: So, how did you get that scar on your chin?
Me: *flashes back to slipping in the shower* Hunting wild boar.
@sonictyrant
Cop: *pulls me over*
Me: *winds down my car door window*
Cop: where’s the rest of your vehicle?
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@thatUPSdude
@BCMontgo
[commercial for pants]
*naked guy attempts to put phone in pocket, falls on floor, cracks screen*
There has to be a better way!
@StarWarsProblms
Obi-wan: You look different.
Vader: You left me burning alive in lava with no arms and legs.
Obi-wan: I thought maybe you got a haircut.
@SladeWentworth
While it’s impossible to pick a favorite child, it’s easy to identify the one who isn’t your favorite at the moment.
@WhaJoTalkinBout
her: kids grow up so fast these days
me: I know, it was scary when I asked my daughter how old she was and she held up three fingers
her: exactly!
me: she wouldn’t tell me where she found them
@KimmyMonte
When you’re mimicking someone behind their back and they suddenly turn around
@drinksmcgee
If there isn’t a Pig Farmer who has changed his name to Steven Squealberg, I’m disappointed in the agricultural sector’s lack of humour.
@Iffy_Penguin
*throwing my hands up*
well, those tasted terrible.
@ReticentTurnip
[calls God on phone]
Hi, can you come get me?
@ValeeGrrl
Me: *slowly unzips footed jammies*
Him: Heyyy…you uh…wanna fool around?
Me: What? No, I just lost an M&M in my onesie