@sonictyrant

Cop: *pulls me over*
Me: *winds down my car door window*
Cop: where’s the rest of your vehicle?

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@junejuly12

Still wake up in a cold sweat thinking about my love note that was passed to the wrong boy in kindergarten.

@CanadianBeave13

A 16 year old climate activist wins the Nobel Peace Prize and I’m over here explaining to my 9 year old, for the 17th time today, that the hole in his undwerwear goes at the front.

@squirrel74wkgn

*kids running down the stairs*

DADDY, DADDY, I HEARD TOYS BUZZING IN YOUR ROOM AND MOMMY SAY, “SANTA CAME EARLY THIS YEAR.”

@queer_queenie

Historians: so we’re gonna name this war the 80 years war

Me: so that means it lasted 80 years right

Historians: you FOOL. you utter buffoon. You ignorant being

@david8hughes

[describing criminal to sketch artist]
“No, no his nose was a bit more avant-garde than that. His eyes suggested he’d lost a ladder.”

@ArfMeasures

[End of day 1, building Rome]

BUILDER: We’ve finished, boss

BOSS: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks

@TheDreamGhoul

“you’re breaking up with me, here? and now?!”
“it’s just not working out”
*both continue pedaling tandem bicycle in silence*

@fightgeek

we stopped at three kids. our cable spool dining table only seats five comfortably

@ThaJawn

Interviewer: Please take off your sunglasses..

Me: Nah, I’m afraid you’ll see how high I am

@CulturedRuffian

My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.