@sonictyrant

Cop: *pulls me over*
Me: *winds down my car door window*
Cop: where’s the rest of your vehicle?

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@thatUPSdude

Her: So, how did you get that scar on your chin?

Me: *flashes back to slipping in the shower* Hunting wild boar.

@BCMontgo

[commercial for pants]

*naked guy attempts to put phone in pocket, falls on floor, cracks screen*

There has to be a better way!

@StarWarsProblms

Obi-wan: You look different.

Vader: You left me burning alive in lava with no arms and legs.

Obi-wan: I thought maybe you got a haircut.

@SladeWentworth

While it’s impossible to pick a favorite child, it’s easy to identify the one who isn’t your favorite at the moment.

@WhaJoTalkinBout

her: kids grow up so fast these days

me: I know, it was scary when I asked my daughter how old she was and she held up three fingers

her: exactly!

me: she wouldn’t tell me where she found them

@KimmyMonte

When you’re mimicking someone behind their back and they suddenly turn around

@drinksmcgee

If there isn’t a Pig Farmer who has changed his name to Steven Squealberg, I’m disappointed in the agricultural sector’s lack of humour.

@ValeeGrrl

Me: *slowly unzips footed jammies*

Him: Heyyy…you uh…wanna fool around?

Me: What? No, I just lost an M&M in my onesie