Still wake up in a cold sweat thinking about my love note that was passed to the wrong boy in kindergarten.
Cop: *pulls me over*
Me: *winds down my car door window*
Cop: where’s the rest of your vehicle?
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A 16 year old climate activist wins the Nobel Peace Prize and I’m over here explaining to my 9 year old, for the 17th time today, that the hole in his undwerwear goes at the front.
*kids running down the stairs*
DADDY, DADDY, I HEARD TOYS BUZZING IN YOUR ROOM AND MOMMY SAY, “SANTA CAME EARLY THIS YEAR.”
Historians: so we’re gonna name this war the 80 years war
Me: so that means it lasted 80 years right
Historians: you FOOL. you utter buffoon. You ignorant being
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
“No, no his nose was a bit more avant-garde than that. His eyes suggested he’d lost a ladder.”
[End of day 1, building Rome]
BUILDER: We’ve finished, boss
BOSS: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
“you’re breaking up with me, here? and now?!”
“it’s just not working out”
*both continue pedaling tandem bicycle in silence*
we stopped at three kids. our cable spool dining table only seats five comfortably
Interviewer: Please take off your sunglasses..
Me: Nah, I’m afraid you’ll see how high I am
My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.