@sixfootcandy No thanks, Mr. Easter Bunny.
I have plenty of dying eggs.
@sonictyrant Cop: *pulls me over*
Me: *winds down my car door window*
Cop: where’s the rest of your vehicle?
Cop: *pulls me over*
Me: *winds down my car door window*
Cop: where’s the rest of your vehicle?
- @sonictyrant
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@sixfootcandy 
@_Water_Baby The ostrich may have the right idea
but I hate sand in my hair.
@Reverend_Scott Always bring a stopwatch to church, guys.
You want the girl that spends the longest amount of time in confession.
@tastefactory “My husband’s a talented voice actor & his brother’s a makeup artist but nah this old lady is a different person” -the mom in Mrs. Doubtfire
@jake_likes_naps [throws bread to a duck]
Duck: I have a boyfriend
@1_swarthy_dude I asked my wife to pick up some 25yr caulk at Home Depot and she’s been in the bathroom getting ready for hours.
@CornerPubRon When my new neighbor dies, I’m going to hire the same tree removal service he has outside my window right now to work during his burial.
@MikeDrucker ME AT 15: “I want video games to have the best graphics and biggest explosions and deepest stories and coolest characters to show that this is truly the art form of the future pew pew pew”
ME AT 35: “I want video games to have an option to make text bigger.”
@Sickayduh Good cop: You have the right to remain silent
Girlfriend cop: What’s wrong? Why are you being so quiet? Are you mad? I hate when you’re lik
@Sam_Posts 18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.