“I bumped into your wife yesterday”
“Oh, where?”
“You know the café opposite the S&M club?”
“Yes”
“Opposite that café”
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Pro tip: being patient will get you out of raking leaves. One of these days will be windy and they will blow into your neighbors yard.
I tried memorizing the names of British currency but after a while, I quid trying.
I would walk barefoot over hot koalas for you.
my son is also my best friend (huge mix up at the adoption agency)
*ex-Olive Garden server shoveling dirt into a fresh grave*
Tell me when.
I’ve decided to stop using ladders. Put it down to “climb it change.”
Mugger: Give me everything you got
Me: Hope you like a low credit score and insomnia
Dental office: Your husband had two teeth pulled this morning, so he’s going to need a ride home.
Me: Ok, how’s next week for you?
Farmer: These two chickens share a nest
No one:
Me: Would you call that cooperation?
My daughter has a pink camo shirt in case she needs to infiltrate barbie’s dream house I guess
How did we decide to go with cockpit?
me: *eating burrito* so how do I die?
psychic: ok I’ll tell you
me: *eating third burrito* don’t you need to use your crystal ball?
psychic: no I’m pretty confident
me: [leaning over, whispering] there’s a giant hole in this plot
him: that’s where the casket goes
I could have been the favourite Mistress of the Sun King at Versailles but nooooooooo I had to be born into late stage capitalism
The first few months of a baby’s life are crucial and so it’s important that they see mom or dad playing Mario Kart.
Best vacation spots:
1. My Bed
2. My Couch
3. That corner spot at the bar
4. Air ducts at work
My son’s soccer coach just said, “You can’t spell “triumph” without ‘try,'” and the look my son and I shared will bond us forever.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. Try to fool me three times, I bite you
my mom: curfew’s 9:00
me: please mom i’m in a gang now
my mom:
me: how about 9:15
i dont swirl my wine because im sophisticated i do it because i can barely stand
me: i want to save this document
computer: great, just click save
me: ok i want to save it as something else
computer: easy, save as
me: amazing! i’m gonna save it as a pdf
computer: print
sorry I didn’t call the dog ate your phone number
My 5yo is writhing on the ground with her legs in the air screaming into a blanket while we wait for our food delivery.
It’s like looking in a mirror.
A headhunter on LinkedIn wanted me to apply for a job as a bank manager. That’s quality recruitment work right there. Get the English major to run your bank.
I’m not entirely sure what numbers are. When I buy something, I just hand over an amount of money and hope it’s right.
grandchild: when did you know you were gonna marry grandpa?
me: when the dude brought 4 different slices of cheesecake on the second date.
I sure hope skinny jeans are still in fashion. After all the calories I consumed over the holidays that’s what all my pants are now.
Nurse: What is your pain level?
Me: 5
Nurse: What level is acceptable to you?
Me: Uhh 0, you psycho
If a bear wears shoes and socks he still has bear feet.
Sorry I embarrassed you when I tried to draft Smaug, but I totally misunderstood the concept of a Fantasy football league.
Put the spoiled milk back in the fridge and hope it gets better.
– What I think when I hear someone is getting back together with an ex.