COP: Quick, stun him!
ME: *performs perfect somersault*
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I’m always a stone’s throw away from my children. I have the forehead bruise to prove it.
What are people in motels doing that they need such a steady and reliable source of ice?
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
You didn’t, the brakes did.
Cop: But do you know why?
Cuz I pressed the pedal with my foot?
Cop: Get out.
i have to be eating a burrito for the facial recognition to work
Stop humanising dogs, they’re better than that.
I’m boycotting the Olympics because I just heard some sort of misinformation campaign claiming the last Winter Olympics held in 2018 was four years ago.
I always cut my 6 pack rings so they don’t choke any dolphins. If I’m gonna choke a dolphin, it’ll be with my bare hands.
Guy about to invent archery: I want to stab that guy over there but I don’t want to walk.
My wife asked me about the Oxford comma and now she wants me to go back to my usual brooding silence.
*wife sees me crying*
Her: What’s going on?
Me: The kids gave me this
*holds up Dad Is #1 mug*
W: That’s sweet
H: Sweet? They think I’m pee!
ME: wat if they dont like me
MOM: just be urself
ME: ok!
[comes home early in a masive cloud of bees]
ME: WAIT DID U SAY “BEE URSELF” OR “BE
me: listen I’m pretty busy now can we do this tomorrow?
murderer: yeah sure sorry
fellas, if your girl:
•has got it going on
•she’s all you want
•you’ve waited for so longshe’s not your girl, she’s stacey’s mom
I took my 5y/o to a protest hoping to get a woke-baby quote from him but instead he said “cool, a yelling party” and then screamed for a bit
I’m a really friendly person unless you try and make small talk with me
I do this weird thing where I feel fabulous then I have to get out of bed
Recipe:Add wine and cook out the alcohol.
Me: Whaaaaaa?
KFC: A secret blend of 11 herbs and spices
Me: Does that include salt and pepper?
KFC: Blend of 9 secret herbs and spices
Doctor: Can you point to where it hurts
Me: [gestures wildly towards The News]
As a new homeowner, I was excited to learn how to do carpentry, plumbing and electrical work. And now that I’ve destroyed it, does anyone want to buy a house?
exclusively asking for swords for Christmas and if I get even one everyone who didn’t get me one better watch out
Big fight at Bible group. Jeff said Jesus was a liberal and Cheryl said Jeff gave her chlamydia
[Calls Ex-Girlfriend]
Remember all those hair-ties and Bobby pins you lost? Well, I found all 5,000 while moving.
[Voice from police helicopter]
PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR!
*raises hands*
*takes flattering selfie in helicopter spotlight*
*uploads new avi*
Detective: Where were you on the night-
Me: Twitter
Detective: Between the hour-
Me: Twitter
Detective: I wasn’t fini-
Me: Twitter
ROBOT: You cannot defeat us
ENGLISH TEACHER: Why’s the ch pronounced differently in orchid than in orchard?
ROBOT: [twitch, spark]
My 10-year-old son only just now realized the character in The Avengers is named “Hawkeye”, not “Hot Guy”
my garbage family is staging an intervention or something for me because i forgot what its called when people have a chin made out of hair
wow my top song this year was my upset tummy sounding like a car driving on gravel
“Every dog has his day,” they used to say. Still, no one was quite prepared that morning Emperor Mister Pickles marched his army into town.