Cop said that it’s illegal for me to have flashing lights & siren on my car.

I looked at his car and said are you going to arrest yourself?

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I get distracted too easily to be a burglar. I’d just end up playing with your dogs, or feeding your fish and then leaving.


Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras


INSTRUCTOR: pull your shute!
ME: my shoe?
INSTRUCTOR: your parachute!
ME: my pair of shoes?
CORONER: where’s his shoes?


Chances of my kid no longer liking their ‘favourite’ snack the day after I bought the Costco size box of it? 210%


I had 3 crackers, a ketchup packet, and a yogurt that said “Liz’s. Don’t Touch!” for lunch in case anyone wondered if tomorrow is payday.


Relationship Status: Just asked the bag of Doritos laying in bed next to me if they had enough room


hey guys I chipped my tooth and now I can do the land down under flute solo when I laugh


Doctor: I’ve got some good news and some bad news.

Bears: We’ll take the bad news.


[Cruise ship]
– I think I can help *frantically covers him in all the life vests* cmon do your stuff