Cop: say the alphabet backwards
Me: the alphabet backwards
Cop: okay, you’re under arrest
Me: but you said—
Cop: I didn’t say simon says
Me: oh shit
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Making out like this makes me hungry ever since I practiced kissing on my ham
Him: …
Me:…
Him: …
Me: …
Him: It’s “HAND”
Me: Say oink
Cars should have a thing where if you drive around with your blinker on for too long, they explode.
It’s rude to say “don’t mention it” when someone thanks you for a favour, instead say “tell no one of this” in a low but urgent voice.
5yo: I love tv
Me: if you love it so much, why don—
5yo: I’m going to marry the tv
My son, in the restaurant: “Mom! If you don’t stop dancing to Despacito I’m literally going to drink and drive, and I don’t have a license yet.”
Going to a wedding today:
Me: Do I look ok boys?
6: You look fine.
9: You look wow.Clearly I have work to do with the little one.
My date telling me that I reminded her of her father would have made me feel much less uncomfortable at dinner than it did the next morning.
i want the met gala theme to be “work from home” and celebrities just wear designer sweatpants and shirts with holes in them
Me in the future: Son, you’re going to go far.
Son, fiddling with the catapult straps: I question your judgment daily.
Me: my wife says I catastrophize everything
Therapist: *chuckling* how is she doing?
Me: I don’t know she hasn’t returned my texts for over five minutes I think she’s dead
People keep accusing me of using the wrong words in my sentences.
It’s like everyone in my life has turned into a grandma nazi.
Me trying to reach for my goals
This idiot from Apple reckons that the “Temperature, iPhone needs to cool down” warning message has nothing to do with all my hot selfies
One way to tell if a funeral home is not very good is if they send your loved one’s cremated ashes to someone else by mistake. That’s a dead giveaway.
Son: Did you know some birds mate for life?
Me: All birds mate for life. That’s the point, dummy.
eating red meat increases your chances of dying by 13%. i now have a 113% chance of dying.
According to my mechanic, if I stop singing the weird noise will go away.
Invasion? No, the Aliens are here for an Intervention.
I like running up to kids, punching a puppy in the face and screaming “WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?” And that’s my long-term solution to religion.
You can say “Holy shit” in the waiting room of any a plastic surgeon.
But I don’t suggest you point.
Finding $5 you didn’t know you had is awesome til you realize you’re 34, it’s 2011 & $5 won’t even buy enough gas to drive you off a cliff.
I hate when I’m getting a back rub & he stops 3 mins in & says “my thumbs hurt.” It’s not like I ever say “My jaw hurts.” I finish the job.
My 2-yr-old has a toy phone that she pretends to talk on.
She looked right at me and said “hewwo?” into the toy phone.
I grabbed my phone and said, “hello, Isla! This is Daddy!”
She then said, “Isla not home” and hung up on me.
When I see someone texting and driving I swerve my car into them and try to run them off the road cause texting and driving is illegal.
Imagine burning sage and passing out because you’re the bad energy
“It’s just a shell… it’s just a shell… it’s just a shell.”
– my foot touching anything in the ocean.
Alhumdulillah my country is full of talent
I think what my heartburn needs is some fried chicken
I’m gonna be so pissed if I die in the middle of an argument I’m about to win.
My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice