Cop: say the alphabet backwards
Me: the alphabet backwards
Cop: okay, you’re under arrest
Me: but you said—
Cop: I didn’t say simon says
Me: oh shit
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I wonder where the inventor of the drawing board took their failed ideas back to.
Wife: I didn’t buy the shirt because it was too crepey
Me: Creepy?
W: Crepey
M: Crappy?
W: Crepey!
M: Oh, okay…
W: You have no idea, do you?
Her: YOU’RE A PIECE OF SHIT!
Me: Well… at least I’m not all of the shit
I got new neighbors today, I hope they like my music as much as the last 9 families did.
Calling a movie “Psycho” ruins the surprise because you know there’s going to be a psycho in it. It should have been called “Normal, Maybe”
[birthday party]
*giant cake is wheeled out, exotic dancer jumps out of it*
me: *dejectedly puts down fork*
I’m tired of writing “Sent from my iPhone” at the end of all me e-mails, maybe I should just get an iPhone
boy: i hate being poor
grandpa: were going to fun factory
mr chocolate: hello naughty children its murder time
Incredible news from Britain. This changes everything
CAPTCHA: select all the boxes that contain love
HADDAWAY: shit
Sign in the elevator: Please keep 6-foot distance.
Width of elevator: 5 feet.
[tour of zoo]
kid: “i think its a elephant”
me: “are you giving the tour”
kid:
me: “anyway as i was saying this is the big snake face thing”
This is the one week you can throw a charred corpse in the garbage without people asking a lot of questions.
Never trust someone who acts as if nothing happened when you meet them right after you had an amazing dream about them.
Some time last year, I accidentally splashed pothole water onto a lady on a rainy day. When I stopped to apologise, the lady immediately ran away! I’m still wondering why
inventor: “i’ve made the most realistic sex doll in the world, ask it something”
me: “ok, um.. shall we go upstairs?”
doll: “i like you as a friend”
me:
inventor:
me: “do you have anything less realistic”
I disagree with liquor store hours. It’s 8am..let me in.
Texted Mom a question & she didn’t answer right away. I’m going to send 4 more texts & 3 voicemails to give her a taste of her own medicine.
Chicken pot pie sounds like such a good idea. If you add commas.
The U.S. Army developed a pizza that stays good for 3 years. Finally, those billions in military spending paid off. Your move, Al Qaeda.
A woman was charged with stalking after sending 65,000 text messages.
Which one of you was it?
The Award for Best Actor goes to my husband for his role in “I’m Not Sleeping. I’m Just Resting My Eyes.”
The Mrs: Why haven’t you done laundry?
Me: I’m recycling the clothes
The Mrs: You already used that line
Me: I’m also recycling my excuses
It took me 20 minutes and a terribly bruised wrist to realize that this slap bracelet is actually a ruler.
It’s not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.
I always make sure the garage door is shut. Wouldn’t want hoodlums stealing the stuff I’ve been meaning to get rid of for years; hell, decades
This is a fact based meme 😏😂
WIFE: Do we have any orange juice?
ME: I don’t think so
WIFE: Well do we have any orange juice concentrate?
ME: I AM CONCENTRATING!
a weighted blanket just isn’t cutting it anymore. i need a hydraulic press