Cop: *searching my car*
“WHERE IS IT?
I KNOW IT’S HERE!”Me: *trying to swallow a Nickelback cd*
“IT’S NOT MINE, I SWEAR!”
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*jolts awake*
*frantically searches around*WAIT A MINUTE!
THIS FEELS LIKE ONLY 47 PILLOWS!
Because I’m a loving wife I got my husband some chocolates for Valentine’s Day and because I’m his wife I ate all of them.
My kitten has a lot of sass for someone that falls over still when she sneezes.
My boss at the stencil factory once asked me to make a template for work, so next morning I went to the temp’s house and let her tyres down
I talk a lot of shit for a middle aged woman who still calls it a potty.
Not sure what a Shakira coochie board is but white people really like it
i aspire to be the type of grandparent my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
Mayonnaise has been getting a lot of hate, but if you don’t shake up a squeeze bottle of mustard well enough, it will pee on your sandwich.
“When I’m dead, I’d like you to buy a $9,000 box and throw it down a hole.”
-Humans
*rushes in*
“Sorry I didn’t see the email”
*slow smile*
*twirls hair*[Teaching office new girl how to be late for meetings]
20s wristband:
After hours club.50s wristband:
Colonoscopy at the hospital.
never ask a starfish for directions
barbara was highly relatable
I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down……
inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.
my uncle walked in to chistmas, filled a plate, ate in a separate room, and left. he was here 4 minutes
The mother went through her daughter phone and the lil boy her daughter was texting just went off on the mom 😂 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
just think, if you hadn’t had kids to tell you otherwise you might still be walking around thinking you were cool. lol how embarrassing would that be
Me: tis better to have loved and lost than to embarrass yourself in front of mall security
Her: WHERE THE HELL IS OUR SON
Stop shaming yourself for not pursuing a traditional career path. “Sea-witch who steals voices” is a real job. “Lady with snakes for hair” is a real job. “Prophetic hag who appears only in dreams” is a real job. Your career is valid ❤️
Every time I buy a fun new mug my mother yells “We have too many mugs!” & I yell “You suck the joy out of everything!” & she yells “Don’t say ‘suck’!” & I yell “I’m a grown woman!” & she yells “Then are you finally moving out of my house”
[Burgler walking around our house] Have…have I been here already tonight?
Little kids are like sponges: always damp, little bits of food stuck all over them, faint smell of mildew…
Everybody’s an atheist until the final two minutes of a sports game.
Dear Ad Agencies,
Please stop using doorbells in your TV commercials.
On behalf of dog owners everywhere,
Thanks!
SCIENTISTS: there are only 90 seconds remaining on the doomsday clock
ME: [73 seconds still remaining on my microwave hotdog] c’mon… c’monnn
St Peter: welcome to the afterlife
me: damn… there’s more?
The secret to immortality is looking like a slob. Have you ever seen a ghost looking like shit? No. No you have not
Say what you want about me but at least I’ve never looked surprised in a selfie
My body is 61% water and 53% math skills.