Cop: seen anything unusual?
Me: a dolphin with a hat once
Cop: I mean around here
Me: nah they live in water
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My wife told me some guy at the bar was buying her drinks all night to get me jealous.
We’ll it worked. I wish he was buying me drinks.
Cupcakes are for people who don’t have the dedication and stamina to eat a whole cake!
Losers.
Sometimes I wonder why kids are so angry and then I remember how hard it is for them to get alcohol
I see: A clean house.
My kids see: A blank canvas.
It’s all fun and games until someone from real life recognizes you and you realize you’re too small to drag off the body.
Light as a feather, smorg as a board
I had dreams. I wanted to be the heiress on the terrace. Instead I’m the grouch on the couch.
Went by the house where I grew up. Asked to go in to look around, but they said no and shut the door in my face. My parents can be so rude.
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
When people get food poisoning they always tell you it came out both ends. But there’s no need to malign the a** in that scenario, the food was going to come out of there regardless of whether it was poisonous
That awkward moment when your doctor tells you that you have tennis elbow from repetitive hand motion and you don’t own a tennis racket ….
Not to brag, but I always go to the hottest cashier at the store and she always checks me out.
Happy #InternationalWomensDay to my wife. I’m no expert, but I think she may have overwatered her plant today.
Just got excited at a crossword clue that was “cheese lovers” and was like oooooo there’s a name for people like me and the answer was mice
Oh rental car. Oh rental car. Your gas tank is not on the side I thought.
My ex from highschool followed my new dog’s Instagram account and dm’ed her “I don’t like your mom” LMAO IM DYING
“sorry i went off topic haha” -me, never having been anywhere near a topic
She has style. She has grace. She has mayonnaise on her face
Morpheus: [holding blue and red pills]
Neo:
Morpheus: I can’t remember which one was which
Life hack:
Do all the dishes after your kids go to bed so you can have clean silverware for the first 47 minutes of the next day.
Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, though, it’s every man for himself
Are you a sane person, or did you just ask a mannequin for directions to another department?
“What did I ever see in him?” – the Invisible Man’s ex
TEETH IS INNOCENT
5 [falls down playing in creek]: ow my leg! Dad I need a Band-Aid!
Me: You’re not bleeding, Band-Aids are for when we bleed
5: I neeeeeeed one!
Me [sighing and preparing for placating, goes to put Band-Aid on leg]
5: not there! On my arm!
I treat going to a therapist like going to a mechanic. “So, It’s been making some odd sounds and I’m sure it’s on the verge of a breakdown.”
Me: haha why would I stop eating cheese because of what you heard in a horoscope
Doctor: stethoscope
what is hip hop teaching our children? i caught my son listening to action bronson and now he’s in the kitchen making a prosciutto wrapped turkey roulade with pomegranate-port reduction
They should make erasers for Crayons called “Crayoffs”.
Can’t believe it’s December again, 2023 seems like yesterday.