My daughter just told me I’m giving her gray hairs and ran for her stress ball so I think I’m finally nailing this whole parenting thing.
Cop: seen anything unusual?
Me: a dolphin with a hat once
Cop: I mean around here
Me: nah they live in water
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An ice bucket challenge …
But for when teenagers don’t want to get out of bed and get ready for school.
I’ve been dressing all the chipmunks in my neighborhood up as lil miners but their tiny headlamps are making it too easy for owls to spot them this is a nightmare
A tanning bed is a panini grill for people.
i regret to inform the fans that yet another draft of my romance novel has been rejected for overusing the phrase “really going to town” in sex scenes
Me: *has debilitating crush on a nerd*
Nerd: What you feel is a burst of norepinephrine increasing arousal and focus-
My finance guy: I want to make the worst move ever with ur entire life savings.
Me: DO IT I DONT UNDERSTAND ONE WORD U ARE SAYING JUST DO IT
mom: why is there a Hispanic man climbing our balcony
me: he is my romeo & I am his Juliet
mom: (._. )
me: I’m just kidding call the cops
priest: does anyone object to this union
my boss: [standing up] wait…no one said anything about a union
Me: At last I will feel oblivion’s sweet embrace.
Tsunami (inexplicably reversing): I have a boyfriend.