*cop sees chalk outline on family’s driveway* “Damn, a cute bunny was murdered”
“No, the kids who live here drew that, the body’s over here”
You Might Also Like
Guys, I need a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
“If you can’t beat them, join them,” I say, as I join my kids in demanding someone make breakfast.
My son is running back and forth from the kitchen to his room because he can’t bring the chips to his room.
He’s nothing if not a problem solver.
[Inside Trojan Horse]
OTHER GREEKS: *fearful/anxious silence*
ME: This is my first sleepover
this is why you should always wash behind your ears
I’ve never learned anything from a good decision.
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes; now I have Heinzsight.
[2 days into diet]
Gluten: come back baby I promise I’ll change
getting a key tattoo but getting it covered up with a doormat tattoo so no one ever finds it
The hunt for apples and oranges on tinder was the biggest disaster of my life. Mission failed: we’ll get em next time.
A pleasant day enough to misarrange slightly some words.
narrator: Phoebe outstretches her arms to appear bigger and ward off the door-to-door salesman
*first day as a conductor
“Tickets, please”
*the orchestra is confused
At grandma’s. Which means this morning I woke up at 8:45am and was still greeted with, “Look who’s finally up. We thought you were dead!”
Differences between coffee and sex:
– I had coffee before and after getting married
– I can have coffee with my wife’s sister without it being a big thing
– I’ve never paid $300 to have coffee
– I am encouraged to have coffee at Starbucks
No one will question your alcoholism if you always propose a toast before drinking.
Nobody is hungrier than a child who’s just been told it’s time for bed.
I would love my job so much more if I didn’t have to hide my flask.
Imagine a guy named Kyle walking into Starbucks. You’re a racist.
It’s 2014 and somehow we still don’t have a car mirror that can make objects appear exactly as far away as they are.
I’ve done the math, and 97% of people who “light up a room” get murdered.
Left my son in the rock tumbler now I gotta explain to his momma why hes smooth as hell.
“2! 4! 6! 8! Who do we appreciate?
Nobody!!!! Hahahahahaha!”
-Teenagers
Me: [*Drinks water]
My Liver: New liquid, who dis?
Why did the Christmas cake disappear?
It was stollen.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
If my dad were still alive today I’m sure he’d be really pissed off over that whole cremation thing.
I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.
Cool thing about this wind storm is I now own 18 new trash cans..
Superman: Look, Lois! Up in the sky! It’s a bird! *squints* It’s a plane… *puts on glasses* Oh, it’s a plane.
Lois: CLARK?!?