He told her that trees blossom in her presence. What he meant was that she scares the sap back up into them.
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The two FIFA World Cup 2014 songs are Ole Ola & La La La.
Our linguistic evolution as humans never ceases to amaze me.
The most unrealistic part of The X Files was how no one got called into a budget meeting. It’s a government agency for crying out loud
Genie: *rubbing temples* you could have just asked for $300 in one wish
My mom called and gave me the weekly weather report. I can’t wait to do this to my kids.
I found a lost dog whose tag said 905-555-4598. Who would name a dog that?
If I stay in bed too long my sheets eventually detach from the corner of my mattress like my bed is patting me on the back to let me know the hug is over.
Neighbors across the street have their Christmas lights up, so I invited them to my Easter Egg hunt this afternoon.
You tell me to “walk a mile in your shoes” but the second I break into your house to steal your shoes, you call the cops. Make up your mind.
Me: We should set up a play date
Hot dad at park: You have a kid?
Me: No, I said WE should
surgeon: are… are you still awake?
me: man i got a lot going on right now
Ffs 🤦♀️ I forgot to get skinny for the summer again
Had to turn the heat on this morning, so of course I’ve started playing Christmas music.
Burning bridges was a lot easier when 7 out of 10 people had lighters in their pockets.
Me in my 20s: wakes up in the morning and hops out of bed
Me in my 40s: wakes up and sits on the edge of the bed for 43 minutes preparing my body to walk again.
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
{The Mothburbs}
Mom: Oh no!
Dad: What?
Mom: 16 has that glow about her
Dad: Didn’t you have the talk??
Mom: Sure but you remember your first time?
Dad sighs: Wild horses still can’t keep me away from light bulbs
Neighbors act like they’ve never seen someone wearing a bath towel, chasing after a Garbage Truck before.
Me: I think I’ll leave my car windows cracked so it’s not so hot later
Pollen: lol, ok
*Turns on work computer*
*Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately locks computer as it’s now lunchtime*
*Logs back into computer. Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately closes down computer as it’s time to go*
Waiter: What kind of mustard, sir?
Me: French please
Garçon: Pardon, quelle sorte de moutarde, monsieur?
If I was a germ, I’d probably be from the 0.01% that Purell can not kill.
The best thing about cycling 5 miles on a stationary bike is not having to cycle 5 miles back again.
Son: It’s spring break, what are we doing?
Me: Working, “we” are working.
Lois Lane: “Clark, have you given any thought to contact lenses?”
Clark Kent: *starts sweating nervously*
[During acupuncture]
Voodoo doll: OWWWWWWCH
I’m a Leo so I just eat the other astrological signs.
I don’t know how to act 40, so I’m just doing what I did when I was 20 twice as hard.
Turns out that the half-acre I bought is in an active tectonic zone. I’m on shaky ground here folks. I have a lot on my plate and it’s all my fault.
*putting all my eggs in one basket and singing about it” carry yolky