Leader [pinching the bridge of his nose]: what is this
Me: the sacrifice
Leader: they’re cupcakes
Me: YEAH, BARRY, DEVIL’S FOOD AND I’LL HAVE YOU KNOW I SACRIFICED MY ENTIRE DAY TO MAKE THEM
Cop: show us where the hamburgers are, hamburglar
Hamburglar: you’ve got the wrong guy. I steal ham. You’re thinking of hamburgerburglar
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Found a baby snake in my backyard while mowing. Long story short, I don’t have to mow anymore since my yard is on fire.
The pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on corduroys.
She texted me, “I love U”
So I texted. “I love U2….
Not their new stuff but from like the
Now my CD’s are missing.
Alright, time for a Twitter spelling bee! First word: “their”, meaning “belongs to them.” Alright, that only leaves 14 of you left standing.
My local Costco is out of Eggo waffles. A man & woman reached for the last box at the same time. Though he was there first by about 2 secs, the woman insisted they should go to her & her children. I KID YOU NOT, the man, who had his 2 teens w/him, replied, “Ma’am, leggo my Eggo.”
DAUGHTER, AGE 6: My legs are running away from the ghosts of my feet!
ME: Ha ha, you’re so silly
ME: *waking her up at 2am* Sweetie, Daddy has several questions
My math is never so quick or exact as when I see an old flame with a child.
It’s 6am somewhere!
~Toddlers waking up at 4am.
[watching the news]
God: oh my me, this show is awful who wrote this
angel: you did sir