ME: i thought i saw a new color today
WIFE: wait- is this..are you..
M: but it-
W: oh no
M: was just-
M: a pigment of my imagination
Cop: show us where the hamburgers are, hamburglar
Hamburglar: you’ve got the wrong guy. I steal ham. You’re thinking of hamburgerburglar
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I just read more people are killed by toasters than sharks. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster SWIM FOR YOUR LIFE!
ME: will it hurt?
DR: u ever been stung by like, 500 bees?
ME: omg no!
DR: ok. that’s not what it’s gonna feel like. I was just wondering
Here, take my advice. It’s not like I’m using it…
Just go ahead and put “She always had to pee” on my tombstone, because that’s how everyone’s going to remember me.
Noticed lots of older people reading the bible. It’s like they are cramming for their final exam.
[first day as a surgeon]
Nurse: you can’t operate on a patient without gloves!
Me: of course. we don’t want his hands getting cold.
Saying “have a nice day” to someone sounds friendly, but saying “enjoy your next 24 hours” sounds threatening.
are you the girl who types everything said in court?
*turns to prosecutor and answers his question with dolphin noises*
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
Thank you. I’ll be here all night.