@fanofhell

Cop: show us where the hamburgers are, hamburglar
Hamburglar: you’ve got the wrong guy. I steal ham. You’re thinking of hamburgerburglar

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@hippieswordfish

ME: i thought i saw a new color today
WIFE: wait- is this..are you..
M: but it-
W: oh no
M: was just-
W: dont
M: a pigment of my imagination

@slimmy_shady

I just read more people are killed by toasters than sharks. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster SWIM FOR YOUR LIFE!

@SteveSuckington

ME: will it hurt?

DR: u ever been stung by like, 500 bees?

ME: omg no!

DR: ok. that’s not what it’s gonna feel like. I was just wondering

@Donna_McCoy

Just go ahead and put “She always had to pee” on my tombstone, because that’s how everyone’s going to remember me.

@MinionTrainer

Noticed lots of older people reading the bible. It’s like they are cramming for their final exam.

@stevevsninjas

[first day as a surgeon]
Nurse: you can’t operate on a patient without gloves!
Me: of course. we don’t want his hands getting cold.

@showerfeelings

Saying “have a nice day” to someone sounds friendly, but saying “enjoy your next 24 hours” sounds threatening.

@murrman5

are you the girl who types everything said in court?
“yes”
I’m sorry
*turns to prosecutor and answers his question with dolphin noises*

@Leslie_Annie

Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.

Thank you. I’ll be here all night.