I let people think I take the stairs to be fit but really I’m just scared of elevators
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My 16yo daughters boyfriend struggled with a capri sun for the last 10 minutes. I think it’s ok to leave her alone with him.
Netflix should have a catergory called “easy to follow while looking at my phone the whole time”
Fabio hasn’t aged a day
Marvel’s new superhero sounds pretty shit 😕😕😕
The adjective “interesting” is way more reliable when applied to cheese than when used to describe people.
“Salamanders are fire proof so if there was a fire in your house and everything you have was made out of Salamander skin you’d survive.”
* this “fact” from my 7yr old is untrue and also incredibly disturbing
Forget about whether or not you have curves, real women have brains.
I’ll bet Medusa never got mosquito bites.
[first day at pet store]
me: you want this boxed?
her: you can’t box a goldfish
me: [lacing up gloves] watch me
wife: [kissing me] let’s roleplay
me: ok
wife: pretend you’re my daddy
me: ok
wife I’ve been a bad girl
me: why’d u marry that idiot
A miracle birth, then resurrection. Accept Frosty the Snowman as your personal savior.
Google, Microsoft and Disney are
among suitors for TwitterWill it be
Twoogle ?
Twindows ?
The Wonderful World of Tweets ?Be prepared
If someone tries to be your friend, pick up their cat and play it like the bagpipes. Problem solved.
You don’t know awkward and uneasy until you’ve seen the way I hold a cat.
I’m at a fancy restaurant so of course I ordered the Patricia melt.
Passwords are by far the best way to keep me from accessing any of my stuff
My child who doesn’t like pickles: *sees me eating a pickle* can I have a pickle?
me: oh it’s so nice out I think I’ll wear shorts and a tank top
*5000000 mosquitoes like this post*
me: I lost the boy
wife: where?
me: at the burrito stand
wife: how?
me: I turned around for a second
wife: yes?!
me: and then for a third
How I’d get arrested…
It takes an entire village’s coffee to raise a child
I have obtained a hat
We all look like talking skeletons to Superman. Even his parents. I don’t know how that kid slept at night.
[dinner]
SIS: I have allergies.
BRO: Nothing worse this time of year.
ME: I have a guy who couldn’t pronounce a safe word and is in a coma.
when you see my three typing dots linger there for a long time just know I’m fighting an epic battle with autocorrect
mercenary: do you want this schrödinger guy dead or alive?
cat: *narrows eyes* yes
The pigeons behind my apartment are fighting for claim to half a rain soaked hotdog. Fighting me.
The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.
[pinned down by sniper fire]
Squad leader: I’m going in. Hughes, lay down some cover for me
Me [putting a blanket on the floor]: you betcha
If a centaur wins a wrestling match, does he wear his belt
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