COP: “Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “It was way easier than solving a murder?”
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What’s the weirdest thing your co-workers believed?
Me: Co-worker thought H2O meant hot water and CO2 meant cold water
J: Co-worker thought they taught a real lizard to talk in the GEICO commercials
I wanna party with whoever decided to ditch their shitstreaked underwear in the bushes at the McDonald’s drive thru.
Netflix should have a catergory called “easy to follow while looking at my phone the whole time”
If there was an Oscar category for ‘Best Female Taking An Imaginary Phone Call So She Could Hang Up With Her Mom’ I’d win that shit all day.
*Does one sit-up. Whispers to self.
“That’ll do pig. That’ll do.”
She’s a ten but she only speaks a long forgotten dead language and her eyes are solid black and she spends too much time on the ceiling.
Ways to get ants out of your house:
1) Ant traps
2) Say you had a good time but it’s late & you have work tomorrow
3) Set house on fire
The world’s worst witness
Me: Then he tore off on some kind of donkey with round legs.
Police Officer: Do you think it might have been a motorcycle?
Me: You know, that’s probably what it was.
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
Don’t forget to wear your best clothes to church because Jesus was all about one-upping your neighbour with fancier duds.
Don’t drink water and stay hydrated it’s a hoax
Right about now, family members all over the country are realizing the Starbucks cards I gave them for Christmas are empty.
Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful, hate me because I’m almost finished Christmas shopping.
I’ve spent the better part of my day trying to figure out why “mustache” & “headache” don’t rhyme.
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
Hiring a sky writer to remind my wife about the time I emptied the dishwasher.
I’m only seeing the new Jurassic Park if the dinosaurs aren’t a metaphor for anything. Don’t want to look at a stegosaurus and have to think about neoliberalism or the modern surveillance state
#ConfessToAubry
10
I work at Subway and if you are rude to me at the beginning I will make sure to grab the oldest and shittiest bread. So if your sandwich bread is hard you know why.
We should be able to pick our zodiac sign, like choosing your piece in Monopoly: “Nope I’m not playing today unless I can be the crab or the lion”
In the future the only two jobs left are Uber driver and escape room planner.
“Are you going to apologize for what you said?”
“I’m sorry I feel that way.”
I’m not a jealous person but seriously, if you star her tweets one more time I’m going to squeeze the balls of this vodoo doll so hard…
[calls God on phone]
Hi, can you come get me?
Date: I’m excited to taste your cooking. When will it be ready?
Me: In a minute I’ll have to peel back the plastic, stir and re-cover.
My cat’s birthday is tomorrow and my mean boss said I still have to come to work this week.
i texted random strangers trying to trick them into finishing my owl joke
WAITER: soup or salad?
CLARK KENT: *sweating nervously* just a REGULAR salad for a REGULAR guy please ha ha. nothing super about it…
In the lobby of an office building in Toronto. I guess to make sure employees are flooded with resentment the instant they walk in the door?
NO city was built in a day. Get over yourself, Rome.
discontinue use and talk to your doctor if you experience death, as this may be a sign of a more serious condition.