-Hello. There’s a polecat clinging to my ceiling fan.
-I don’t believe you.
-Well you’ll have to take my whirred ferret.
Cop: Sir do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You’re the third policeman to ask me that tonight. They should really train you guys better.
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Cute guy: Can I pet your dog?
Me: (several blocks later) I have soft hair too. 🙁
ME: we have a problem, they’re out of hot dogs
HER: that’s ok, i’m vegan
ME: ok we have two problems
when I got married in 1980 one of husbands old aunts took me aside and said “be a good wife and do sex on demand”
Me “what if he can’t keep up with my demands do I take a lover?”
She never spoke to me EVER again
Steve Miller: “Some call me the gangster of love.”
Rest of the Steve Miller Band: “Nobody calls him that.”
Me: So tired
Brain: IKR!! But wait, who organised the alphabet…
M: Please don’t
B: N how do we know it’s not actually disorganized?
Six words that strike fear in the hearts of parents everywhere:
You’ve been volunteered as a chaperone
Kids now are so spoiled. When I was young we were locked out of the house all day if school was canceled because of snow, we went blind in one eye, lost 2-4 toes to frostbite, ate one of the weaker kids who got hurt sledding, then had a leg amputated, and we WERE FINE.
– communicate your feelings
– make her feel pretty
– be spontaneous
– oh god she wants you to kill her ex
– is she still in love with him?
– no she loves you she told you she loves you
– kill her ex
– what the hell she’s gone
– was sara even her real name?