If you try something new and you aren’t immediately awesome at it, say it’s stupid and never try it again.
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Whoever had the bright idea of putting book jackets on children’s books clearly never had children of their own.
I just shaved my armpits after such an extended hiatus that my razor acted as little more than a comb. Should have scythed first.
ME: this is great
INSTRUCTOR: you’ve never used a gun before, huh?
ME: [throwing another gun at the target] I need more guns
I took a test to see if I have multiple personalities. I scored 100%, 92%, and 88%.
Maybe Bigfoot wouldn’t be so reclusive if we stopped body shaming him
Airlines texting me “we in this together” emails but when my bag was 35kg I was on my own.
*during sex*
Me: *unrolling a wrapper*
Her: you don’t have to use a condom
Me : *mouthful of fruit by the foot* oh cool
ME: i want the ad to say “for sale: baby shoes, never worn”
AD GUY: oh wow that’s so sad
ME: totally. they’re so cute but my feet were just too big
I saw a little field mouse while out on a 10k this evening. We regarded each other for a moment and I was struck by the sheer beauty of having an excuse to casually drop I logged a 10k this evening.
Being an adult is like being in a Quentin Tarantino movie. It starts off real cool, there’s a lot of cussing, it’s very confusing, everyone dies.
When I die, I hope people react the way my kids do when the iPad freezes.
Ann Coulter has managed to stay so thin because the last solid meal she ate was Hansel and Gretel.
If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the trumpet.
people should stop trying to drive the biggest cars and start trying to drive the goofiest shaped cars. i want to drive a car in the shape of a pizza slice
“Are you ever going to boil?”, I scream at the pot of water that is sitting on a burner which I didn’t turn on.
My wife left me for a fisherman.
Poor guy’s still reeling.
If I was a waitress, I would plant fake engagement rings in every girls champagne glass, just to watch the boyfriends panic.
I stole a friend’s phone today and set it so it will autocorrect “I’ve” to “me’ve” and me’m really excited about it.
me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son
wife: of course not, where is he
me: I just told you
Any new zombie movies that want to be believable need to include random people who walk directly up to zombies & get bitten on purpose because they think getting bitten will help them build immunity against being bitten. They also need to mock people trying to avoid being bitten.
[Texting from the deepest void of Hell]
Yeah I’ll be there in 5 minutes
*puts on pickle costume*
*gets stuck in pickle costume*
*calls friend*
Could you please help me?
I’ve gotten my myself into a pickle.
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
My son won a plastic horn at the fair so now our house is filled with obnoxious noise because my husband won’t put it down
ME AT 19: I’m gonna travel to so many countries!
ME AT 29: I’m gonna try a new craft beer!
ME AT 39: I’m gonna try a different cat litter
Never invite a renegade cop from a 90s action movie over for board game night. They play by their own rules!
Previously On Persistence 😎
If Twitter is a rave then Facebook is a Tupperware party.
Elementary schools be like:
It’s Spirit Week!Monday is crazy hair day
Tues: paint your entire family blue
Wed: construct a Macy’s regulation sized float out of paper maché
Thurs: pledge 100k to the jogathon and earn a high five party
Friday is take your virus to school day
Area 8-Year-Old Formally Rescinds Hunger Complaint Following Mother’s Insulting Banana Offer