I was not ready for the 70yo couple at the doctor’s office go from ones concern for the other’s low blood sugar to screaming at each other about talking too loudly. Right next to me in an almost empty waiting room.
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Imagine a world without Queen. We’d have no idea who the champions are
Sure you may FEEL old, but did YOUR parents need a TV commercial to remind them you existed?
murderer: i forgot all my murder weapons
me: i’ll wait
When I was a kid, I had to walk uphill both ways in the snow just to change the TV channel.
I used to be in baton twirling when I was younger I was terrible at it but I don’t care it stays on my resumé nonetheless
WebMD is a Choose Your Own Adventure book where every single story ends in malignant cancer
Him: have you had dinner yet?
Me: *after eating entire bag of chips, 2 donuts and 6 cookies* Nope, not yet.
I hate when people call and say they’re 10 minutes away for a “drop-by surprise visit” and I have to set fire to my house.
What happens when you wear flowy sleeves? They get caught on every doorknob you walk past.
Congratulations, Mrs. Smith. You have a healthy baby clown. Oh look, twins! Triplets! Somebody get a camera. Four, five, six…
me: i’m a writer
them: oh! what do you write?
me: mostly emails
Do these panties around my ankles make my eyes sparkle?
Medusa: so do you have any QUITE LARGE HATS in there
sales assistant: [suspicious] why are you outside the shop shouting
Most adults have thirty-two teeth but you can have as many as you like if your pockets are big enough
ohhhhh my GOD I just told the dog “hey we’ll go for a walk once the baby’s awake, okay?”
and she looked at me, ran upstairs, stuck her head in the nursery, and HOWLED
Just saw a sign that said free hugs. I didn’t even know Hugs was arrested
Chess in Australia must be hard.
“Check, mate”
“Checkmate?”
“What?”
“Huh?”
Everybody makes mistakes their first camping trip. For starters, going camping.
(Job Interview)
Interviewer: So, tell me about yourself.
Me: I’m unemployed.
I: How about something personal?
Me: Personally I need a job.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who often searches for their phone when I’m watching something on it.
10 y/o daughter walked up to me, turned and flipped her hair in my face claiming that is what she does now to finish an argument, which is cool and all except I didn’t know we were fighting.
12yo: imagine if cargo shorts existed as pants…
Me: they do, they’re called cargo pants
12yo: WHAT
me: I’d like to withdraw 100K
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
imagine if towels weren’t invented, you’d get out of the shower and just, like… wait
my grandma has a secret tuna casserole recipe that involves a 911 call
Thinking about getting my dog fixed. Shouldn’t be too expensive. Just needs an oil change and a new timing belt.
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
Eucalyptus are the only plants named after what they would say if pruned
Becoming a grandparent is the one time it’s acceptable to choose your own nickname and people blow it EVERY TIME. Why would you be Grampy when you could be DEATHBLADE.
To myself: ” Try and look like you know what you’re talking about in front of the mechanic. You’re a smart woman, don’t play dumb or you’re gonna get ripped off”
Me at the mechanic: “Car vroom sounds tikatikatika. Tee hee” *hands over credit card