Cop: Sir, don’t lock your kid in there, it’s very hot.
Me [closing car door]: It’s okay *leans in* it’s not my kid.

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If a woman looks sad, tell her “You’d be pretty if you smiled more” and you won’t see her looking sad anymore because you will be dead.


A spider monkey isn’t very rare but its parents are. Just try finding a spider that drunk.


CDC Recommends Also Wearing Face Mask On Back Of Head In Case Coronavirus Attacks From Rear


Yeah yeah “Friends with Benefits” are cool but have you tried “Friends with Batteries”? Less drama!


[i read a pun]
me: ugh, no

[i make a pun]


My husband asked if I know the attractive, young woman who jogs down our street every day around lunch and this is one way to lose an office with a view.


[Driving w/date in car]

Date [turns radio to country]

Me [reaches over date, opens passenger door] This isn’t working. [Hits eject button]