@ohen39

Cop: Sir, don’t lock your kid in there, it’s very hot.
Me [closing car door]: It’s okay *leans in* it’s not my kid.

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@JohnLyonTweets

If a woman looks sad, tell her “You’d be pretty if you smiled more” and you won’t see her looking sad anymore because you will be dead.

@IamJackBoot

A spider monkey isn’t very rare but its parents are. Just try finding a spider that drunk.

@TheOnion

CDC Recommends Also Wearing Face Mask On Back Of Head In Case Coronavirus Attacks From Rear

@LanieLalaBugs

Yeah yeah “Friends with Benefits” are cool but have you tried “Friends with Batteries”? Less drama!

@MavenofHonor

[i read a pun]
me: ugh, no

[i make a pun]
me: BEHOLD THE ARTISTRY

@mommajessiec

My husband asked if I know the attractive, young woman who jogs down our street every day around lunch and this is one way to lose an office with a view.

@DainWins

[Driving w/date in car]

Date [turns radio to country]

Me [reaches over date, opens passenger door] This isn’t working. [Hits eject button]