cop: “sir im afraid your dog is too cool for this neighbourhood”
me: [turns his little baseball cap round right way]
cop: “ok that’s better”
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If I had a dollar for every woman who called me handsome… I’d have a dollar. Thanks Grandma.
Boss: ok you’ve made some big sales, but can you do more?
Me: <makes bigg sale>
[taking the last bite of a big meal]
date: what would you like to do next
me: poop
Grant me the serenity to supernaturally change the things I cannot accept.
Cerebral exploration with this Q tip.
all pants are breakaway pants if you’re angry enough
I think that news channel only hired you as a weather forecaster so they could see you get hit by a stop sign in a hurricane.
[On a date]
Me: I want to be buried under a large oak tree, give my body back to the earth
Him: that’s so sweet
Me: no I mean right now
Where have you been all my life? Please go back there.
My fingers are still red from the one Hot Cheeto I ate 17 years ago.
When you msg me @ 9:30am w/ just “Morning,” don’t be shocked when I wait till 12:00pm & respond w/ “Noon.”
Seriously, what did ya expect?
Statistics show that the average person has sex 89 times a year….looks like I’m in for a flipping wild December
The fact that folks get so riled up over nudity but aren’t upset that anybody could be carrying a gun makes me want to shoot people.
Hollywood sets impossible standards we can never live up to. Not even once have I saved people from dinosaurs with my knowledge of Unix.
So, nothing rhymes with orange, huh?
*changes name to MC Orange, wins every rap battle, and retires undefeated*
Showing that you can fit your fist in your mouth on the first date is only sexy if you can get it back out afterwards
[getting a checkup]
DOCTOR: On average, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: *sweating* NO ONE SAID THERE WOULD BE ANY MATH
“Necessity is the mother of invention” okay I’m hooked, who’s the dad, is he still in the picture are you guys still together
It’s weird when the label on a jar of food boldly declares something you thought was a minimum requirement: NOW WITH LESS SAWDUST
Welcome to fatherhood, the only one calling you daddy now is your kids.
I always eat duck with a few slices of cheap bread, because I know they would’ve enjoyed it.
We got the Christmas tree yesterday, and now my wife knows that I was the chief architect working on the leaning tower of Pisa
Catch a baby opossum, give it a 12-hr sedative, and hide it in the glove compartment of the car of the person who’s dating your ex.
I got my DNA results back and found out I’m 15% “Other” and now I’m ready for the mothership to come and take me home.
i am in another room with the door open and she has food and water, and yet, my cat is out in the hallway meowing like she’s wandering through a post-apocalyptic wasteland and is the sole survivor
In a parallel universe, one sock goes in the washer/dryer and two come out.
When is it appropriate to double text someone?
I want my mom to buy some Scooby Doo gummies and she isn’t responding
When I die, I want to be buried with a few random animal bones so archeologists 1,000 yrs from now will wonder what the hell I was
Hey I bet if lumberjacks had a dating app it’d be called Timber. And I bet also that if beavers had a dating app it’d also be called Timber. And I even bet—hell, I’m willing to say it—I bet if pirates had a dating app it’d be called Timber, too. You know as in shiver me
ME: Is that a B or an 8?
HUSBAND: It’s a D. When are you going to get reading glasses?
ME: My eyes are fine. The print is too small.
KID: It’s an O. You’re both blind.