Her: make this delicious snack in just five easy steps
Me, opening a chip bag in one easy step: no
You Might Also Like
at my physical this week the male nurse was going through my history & asking if I still take xy&z meds and he goes “do you still take IUD?” I stared at him for a sec and said “it’s still…in me…yes.” he goes “oh it’s an implant, ok.” sir you are a NURSE 😭
My husband gets so cranky when I come home from the pool with only a fraction of the kids I left with
Pro-tip Ladies, try to refrain from plucking that one crazy hair from his nose while he’s sleeping. He won’t think it’s as funny as you do.
Deli counter guy told me bad things happen in 3’s after he dropped his phone and bumped his head, so I complained about him to management.
My toddler pushed one of their animal toys in my face and said “RROOOOOAAARRR!!!”
It was a penguin.
If you love someone, let them go. If they don’t come back, detonate the explosive collar.
[Interrogation room]
Me: *throws chair at wall* TALK
Chair: OK OK…the beast keeps the rose in his chambers
My mom at 25: Married, one kid
Me at 25: Wakes up holding a chicken tender after a night of drinking
A woman who works at a cafe I frequent saw me in public and recognized me, but she doesn’t know my name, so she said, “Hey! No tomatoes!”
Cashier: Can I see some ID?
Me *Points to my 13yo son*
I heard time is money, so I quit my job. Now I have lots of time!
Shout-out to smartphones for eliminating tedious tasks from our lives like reading books or watching the road when we drive.
I’m so relieved when I see a vehicle pulled over by a cop, I always say, “THANK YOU FOR YOUR SACRIFICE.” as I speed past them.
How did that guy know he went through the desert on a horse with no name? Did he try asking the horse? Was he aware that it was probably his job to assign a name if there was not already one in place? A lot of things don’t add up here.
‘You probably have to pee soon, huh?’
~ The monster under my bed
Just settled a divorce over Parrot custody/visitation. Neither may teach it negative phrases abt the other.
I went to law school for this.
Me: You know what they say, “sticks and stones may break my bones-“
Doctor: Yes that’s exactly what happened.
me: [taking the last bite of a big meal] now I’m ready for a long nap
executioner: coming right up
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: idk seems kinda bad
Imagine you’re fine, minding your own business and then someone offers you a 50$ gift card and you end up spending 400$
We found out today how many people it takes to hold me down for a flu shot.
i hate when guys cancel a date after i’ve already shaved and then i have to spend all that time gluing it back on
Somewhere there’s a person named Current Resident who has to read every piece of junk mail.
losing my mind at my mom’s reply to my insta story
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
“Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your Lord & Savior?”
“No.”
“Why not, sir?”
“Because, it would make my rabbi sad.”
My kid made up a song that goes “I love you and would do anything for you except clean” like some kind of 7yo Meat Loaf
my kid climbed into the tub fully naked and still I found leaves in there after