M: a Bloody Mary with no celery, olives or tomato juice, but add extra bacon
Waiter:
H: She wants a plate of bacon and a shot of vodka.
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Cupcakes are for people who don’t have the dedication and stamina to eat a whole cake!
Losers.
I chose to wash dishes before I went to a doctors appointment yesterday, and after examining me, my new doctors first question to me was, “does your hand usually smell like chicken?”
My teacher was pointing a ruler at me an said, “There’s an idiot at the end of this ruler!” I got detention after asking which end.
Top 5 things to ditch in 2017
5. Debt
4. People you don’t like
3. Facebook
2. Drama
1. The bodies
I made the mistake of telling my son I found a hair on my chin and now he keeps calling me Pops
Have single guys scared of the “Friend Zone” even heard of long-term relationships or marriage?
I accidentally dropped one of my husband’s Viagra into my contact solution and now I’m cockeyed.
you are so beautiful without makeup.
-my husband, after he saw i spent $62 on an eyeshadow.
No parenting book prepared me for “trying to dry a papier-mâché model of a red blood cell in your oven at 6am”.
I was on a first date last night and temperature by sean paul came on. how do you keep your cool in that situation? I didn’t. made eye contact with one other dude who saw the shoulder shimmy and gave me a nod which felt validating honestly
Just realized I haven’t fed my imaginary friends since a tea party when I was 6 so they’re all dead now.
Me: *making toast at wedding*
Bride: hey those presents weren’t for you
This dogs tail is more talented than I will ever be
With a straight face, my neighbor asked me not to do yardwork when her boyfriend is outside.
So yes, I think they’re in a healthy relationship.
[Space]
No-one: I can hear screaming
Me: I never remember whether I’m supposed to play dead or make myself as big as possible
My Boss: when you get up, go ahead and close my door and have a seat
Woke up against my better judgment again
Make sure to thank Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith for saving the world from aliens today.
my doctor just told me I’ll never be able to play the xylophone ever again in his office
“I’ll just use bug spray”
Mosquitos in the Midwest
“i saw your ex” – a truly unnecessary piece of information
me: the heart wants what the heart wants
heart: please stop drin-
me: whiskey it is
doctor: i have good news and bad news. the bad news is your wife is going to be a widow
me: [devastated] what’s the good news
doctor: [pulls out engagement ring] not for long
“It’s MY WIIIIFE, it’s now or never” – Borat Jovi
I’m not even remotely sorry
My daughter woke up at 6:06 today instead of her usual 6:00 because we let her stay up 5 hours past her bedtime last night.
When the DJ asks if we are ready to party I sometimes lie & say yes even though I really need like 10 min to get ready
me at the grocery store: im going to make a mushroom risotto with herb crusted chicken and a vegetable medley!
me when i get home: crackers
[giving mother in law my famous salad dressing recipe over the phone] 1 part vinegar, then *bites lip so I don’t laugh* 2 parts baking soda
“Some people put a ton of research into their fantasy football team but I don’t get crazy with it” -my bf using two monitors with 3 spreadsheets and 10 tabs open
The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you would actually kill me.