Cop: So, I’m writing a ticket for driving alone in the car pool lane.
Me: You’re going to feel really stupid when you look in my trunk.
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What smells better than it tastes?
A nose.
To all of you who tweet constantly about drinking wine…
Somebody has to say it.
GRAPE JOKES AREN’T FUNNY.
I WILL NOT click on your tinyurl link, no matter what people are saying about me.
howdy. i’m a sheriff in this here movie or show. and if i see somethin startlin? well… best believe i’m takin my hat off at it. real slow
Why do I always say yes to the receipt at the gas pump? Am I afraid I’m gonna be asked to prove I paid for it?
So I said, “Why don’t you eat one of these fried cornbread balls,” and he said “hush puppie,” so I said, “You hush, you piece of shit,” and one thing led to another court date.
Sure, we’ve all been through hard times, but even when I waitressed part time during college and ate ramen noodles every night for dinner I still saved my money for important things like Charmin double ply mega rolls.
MY KID: I’m ready to go I just need to get my shoes on
ME: *visibly ages*
The legends speak of a third Duran…
I didn’t lose my marbles, I gave them away.
Forget a alarm clock just give me the smell of bacon and coffee
A vegan, an atheist and a reformed ex-smoker walk into a bar.
Everyone else in the bar leaves.
Watching JAWS and really identifying with the shark
The secret to enjoying good wine: Open to let it breathe. If it appears not to be breathing, apply mouth to mouth.
I’ve always wondered if my toddler liked me or my husband better.
But I just heard her say, “Oh shit, Daddy’s home” so at least I know she’s on my side.
[stranded on a desert island]
*plane flies over head and drops a letter*
Me: omg I’m going to be rescued!
*opens letter*
we’re just reaching out to you about your car’s extended warrantyMe: Sonofa-
Yes officer, I know my driving is not 100% perfect, but you have to agree that it is still pretty good for someone who is completely drunk.
GF: What a perfect night
ME: It gets better *bends on 1 knee* Will you…
GF: OMG yes!
ME: *puts Space Jam DVD on her finger* put this in?
A no carb diet can make you detached, remote and standoffish so occasionally you should eat aloof of bread.
*writes on wall in ketchup*
THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS HAS BEEN OPENEDBoss: What the hell are you doing?
Me: Somebody ate my corndogs.
I took a girlfriend to a fancy bakery for Valentine’s and she picked out a bunch of things that she then gave to her dad because she said sugary baked goods gave her yeast infections, so really I treated her dad to a really nice Valentine’s Day
If you didn’t want me gazing in your bedroom window then you shouldn’t have put it at the same height as my ladder.
Every year tigers kill 150 people: it’s like they’re not even trying; there are billions of us
“OMG THE CORN IS SHOOTING AT US”
– inventor of popcorn
Close the door.
You’re letting the wifi out.
I think High School birth control classes should just be forcing the students to watch videos of me taking my 3 kids to the grocery store
I turn hot dog water into ice cubes for house guests I don’t like
Knock knock
“Who’s there?”
“Dejav”
“Dejav who?”
Knock knock
I think I have resting watching sex scene with my parents face