Cop: So you admit it, you murdered all three real estate agents. Where are the bodies?
Me: *indicating on map* Location, location, location
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So my 6 year old neighbour is like Uncle B do you like fruits
I say yeah I do…
And kid’s like I brought you fruit 💀
Anyway what does one do with an unripe paw paw
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a local bookstore
ME: do u like smart guys
GIRL AT BAR: yes
ME: sorry i wasted your time
“Alexa, yell at my kids to behave every 7 minutes. I’m headed to the bar.”
I can’t believe one of you losers hasn’t married me yet
coworker: you should try my therapist.
me: i’ve seen their work. no thanks.
The world would be a better place if we all got along like the “Price Is Right” audience.
Does anyone want to be my internet girlfriend?
Requirements:
– Exist (optional)
– Talk to me (not recommended)
– Send nudes (if you want, not to me though, I don’t know what to do with them)
men invented arm wrestling so they could hold hands and look in each other’s eyes
*hires a group of teenage girls to giggle every time you walk by*
ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEACHER: I don’t know, CAN you?
BILLY: *Sigh* MAY I sacrifice a goat to the great demon Belphegor?
TEACHER: Maybe after crafts.
Overheard at the mall: “It’s 70% off plus another 30% off… that’s 100% off!”
I like to make sure my breath is always fresh.
*eats entire sleeve of Thin Mints*
it’s so funny that the veggie used to make veggie chips is just a potato
they are potato chips
Every day I try to learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.
I. FORGOT.
I. FORGOT.
[Hiking]
Me: Want some trail mix?
Her: This is just a sandwich bag full of rocks and twig-
Me: All from this trail!
Me: I’ll wait until the end of time for you
Her: Ok good that was my plan too
I wonder what ppl in the year 78 BC thought C stood for.
I bought the extended play version of Layla in 1972 and it just ended
Just played that Facebook game where an app tells you what state you’re best suited to be in and I was disappointed it didn’t say unconscious.
[me going to literally any sporting event] i better wear my sneakers in case they need another player
i was going to get married, but
my wife refuses to sign the
divorce papers
The single most HARDEST thing about being an immigrant in the US is knowing that regardless of my sacrifices, my beliefs or the beauty in my soul, I, too, may one day be allergic to gluten
Felt sad that rabbits ate all my marigolds.
Then felt glad that I don’t have to water them anymore.
Suburban life is a roller coaster.
Everyone is fighting a battle you don’t know about. Except for me.
I am complaining loudly about my battle. Everybody knows about it.
Sometimes I think I’d do great during a zombie apocalypse. Then I remember that week I went without a microwave and how much I cried.
Made the decision that I’m done having kids. Yet every morning I wake up and there they are asking me for breakfast.
How much credibility is there in that whole “you can punch yourself handsome” theory?
Asking for a friend.
Wife: can you give the kids a talk on drugs?
Me: ok but I talk a lot of shit when I’m high