6, holding a pic of me pregnant with him, “Why are you SO FAT?”
Me, “You’re inside my tummy.”
6, “That’s DISGUSTING.”
Me, “It gets worse..”
Cop: so you went out to pick up some fruit when, out of nowhere, 3 ghosts attacked you?
Pac-man [wipes tears]: 4. It was 4 ghosts
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Cap: good morning Avengers let’s begin
Iron Man: wait spider-man is missing
Open Mouth Man: weird he was here when i went to sleep last nite
A really hot girl asked me for my number today and all I had to do was hit her car with my car.
My friend told me his wife talks a lot in her sleep
“I know” was probably not the right answer
[grocery store with 2yo]
Cashier: your son is so cute. What do you want to have next?
Me: a vasectomy
“Where do Cowboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a cow and a boy love each other very, very much…”
If you’re happy and you know it….it’s the wine.
Just because I’m Irish doesn’t mean I am always drunk. It means I always want to be.
ME: Yeah, I’ve heard that movie.
FRIEND: You mean ‘seen’ that movie.
ME: Ha ha. No! I’m on twitter. I haven’t seen a movie in 3 years.
Rey: Why do you hide behind a mask?
Kylo Ren: *takes off his mask to reveal his real face*
Rey: Wow. Put the mask back on.