@david8hughes

Cop: so you went out to pick up some fruit when, out of nowhere, 3 ghosts attacked you?
Pac-man [wipes tears]: 4. It was 4 ghosts

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@notalogin

Please help me find my lost pet sloth. It was just right here and, oh, never mind, it’s still right here.

@GingerHotDish

Him: Your hands are as soft as a turtle’s armpit!

Me: We have to breakup.

@Lhlodder

My daughter has been asking for more independence lately so this morning I took her out for breakfast and asked for separate checks.

@E_lok44

If you want your uninvited guests to leave, seat them comfortably in the basement, then go upstairs and watch TV.

@Cheese_Pile

*Walks into puppy store wearing a large trenchcoat*

*Hurries out of puppy store in a much tighter-fitting trenchcoat*

@Brampersandon_

[Mom]: My son’s voice is changing
[Dr.]: Thats normal at his age
[Mom]: This is normal?
*fax machine noises are coming from the kid’s mouth*

@i_eat_fruit

[first date]

me [im a goat]: u gonna eat that dress?
date [also a goat]: yes

@envydatropic

You never worry about the size of your doctor’s fingers until you need a rectal exam.

I know this now.

@HeatherLuvsYou

Just because someone smiles a lot doesn’t mean they’re nice. Take alligators for example.

@OhNoSheTwitnt

50 Shades of Grey is also the title of the 101 Dalmatians alternate ending where Cruella wins and makes a coat out of the puppies.