Cop: so you went out to pick up some fruit when, out of nowhere, 3 ghosts attacked you?
Pac-man [wipes tears]: 4. It was 4 ghosts
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Cat: HUMAM! AM LEARN U CAN WIN MANY MONEY IF U DO A BET ON AN SPORTS
Me: yeah that’s true
Cat: MONEY GET MANY FOOD
Me: also true
Cat: WELL
Cat: CAT AM HAVE FOOLPROOF WAY 2 KNOW WHICH SPORTS TEAM 2 PICK
Me: oh
Cat: DO A BET ON AN TEAM WHO HAS MOST SCORE AT END OF GAME
Me: thanks
new wife guy just dropped
The real reason Darth Vader cut off Luke’s hand was because he touched the thermostat
I hope I never have to produce an alibi…cause eating salsa in bed with my cat every night would never hold up in court.
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in America
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
A few summers ago I stopped at some kids’ lemonade stand. As I took a sip, the youngest boy stuck his whole arm in the pitcher and stirred.
Don’t ever call me sexist.
Sexism is wrong and being wrong is for women.
Children are the best fundraisers because they don’t understand economics:
Principal: The student who raises $500 dollars for the school will get this free hat
12 year old me: That is such a great deal
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Daughter: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
guys love flexing “i’m self made” so is amoeba what’s your point
CRAIGSLIST AD: Wanted – chicken nugget shaped like Rafael. Have 2 Leonardo’s, willing to trade. Serious offers only. No Michaelangelo’s.
Preparing for Back to School season by getting my 5th grader a new wardrobe, new backpack, and helping him invent a Canadian girlfriend
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector, and fire is real.
My kids played camping today and my job was to stay in the tent and sleep, I’ve never been so good at a game before
Sorry I didn’t reply to your text, I just couldn’t find a response that would keep you from sending another
[18 years after texting a guy “I’m pregnant”]
Him: hey I just saw your text
Having to ask the hairdresser to give you a cut that will persuade your phone’s facial recognition software that it’s still you is very 2020.
Christmas Warning:
Every guy dressed in red that asks you what you want while you sit on his lap, is not Santa.
“Kids are great when you need help around the house.”
– People who don’t have kids
My parent trap worked perfectly. I now have five parents.
Stole my neighbors family portrait & got it tattooed on my back. Now I’m standing in their living room facing the wall 2 see if they notice.
I don’t suppose you’ve seen those two boiled eggs I left sitting on the kitchen sideboard by any chance?
Tuna are probably pretty annoyed with how much we worry about catching dolphins in our tuna nets.
This is exactly how that old gypsy lady said I was going to die.
At my age, mercury is in hearing aid.
[waffle house]
Waitress: how do u like your eggs
Me: hatched and with their families
W: no how do u like them cooked
M: [spits out coffee]
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
Boyfriend is mad at me because he said people are silly to spend $300 on tickets to “Shen Yun: 5,000 Years of Civilization Reborn” and I told him that’s a great deal in terms of years of civilization per dollar
I wanted to make my apartment feel more like a hotel, so I charged myself $40 for a cheese plate and watched the second half of Gladiator
At no single point in the Bible does it tell you not to sell drugs