Cop: spread’em!
Me: *frantically starts buttering bread*
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Hit my coworker with “you’re a lucky man” after I saw a picture of his wife just to let him know that I want to sleep with her
A child will either brush their teeth for 3 seconds or for 15 minutes.
[Bowling Alley]
“I’m sorry sir, but we don’t have any bowling shoes left”
*gestures towards a happy family of centipedes bowling*
*eats a carrot*
*checks off new year’s resolution*
[first day in hell]
Me: Ugh, it’s humid here.
Satan: Muahaha!
Me: The air…it’s moist.
Satan: Ok wait. You gotta stop saying that word.
Me: The heat AND the humidity make everything feel so moist.
Satan, rubbing temples:
This IS hell.
It would have sucked so bad for all those passengers when they realized they were on the Titanic
I’m just eating cereal out of a bucket now, like a horse
JAMES BOND: Bond. James Bond. I’m the best-known spy in the world.
ME: “Best-known”? But that would make you the WORST spy in th– *slumps over with cyanide cufflink in my neck*
all I wanna do is
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
move to a safer neighborhood
me: i like baseball.
man: oh yeah, who hit the 2nd farthest minor league home run during the 1918 season
My wife told me, “I look really fat. Please make me feel better and compliment me.”
I said, “You have perfect eyesight.”
Elections?Vote for pizza. Throw the pizza slice in the envelope. Not all of it silly! Just a little corner will do. Eat the rest. As usual
We’re out of duct tape, craft glue, and frozen orange juice because I made a sandwich while I was drunk last night.
I just watered a few plants so I’m ready to open a landscaping business.
Sometimes I think I’m creative and other times I remember that as a kid I had a fish named “Mr. Fish” and a second named “Also Mr. Fish”.
Some generations will never know having to drive by someone’s house to see if they’re home.
[aliens observing earth]
“Horse racing is the shit we gotta start doing that”
this is me
I accidentally used my mom’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
I’m an early bird and a night owl, so I’m basically some form of permanently exhausted pigeon
it’s so funny when a horse is shredded like a bodybuilder. like goddamn dude you wanna be a car so bad
i don’t delete messages just incase someone wanna lie about may 20th 1984
I keep waiting for my Cadbury Creme Eggs to hatch into Cadbury Creme Chickens, but no luck so far. And sitting on them certainly didn’t help
[right before the quest for the holy grail]
king arthur: alright, WHO BROKE MY FAVORITE CUP?
Before you die, get your affairs in order so they don’t find out about each other.
30 seconds left on the microwave
~ Women:
set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone~ Men:
do the space shuttle countdown
I find it most unfair that the dentist in this neighborhood hands out toothbrushes for Halloween but the pharmacist doesn’t hand out drugs.
i kicked the back of her seat ONE time