Cop: spread’em!

Me: *frantically starts buttering bread*

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I’m not saying I don’t like you, but if you had an open wound I’d hand you a salt shaker.


*Belle falls in love with Beast*

Everyone: STOCKHOLM SYNDROME!! Called it!

*Belle speaks to furniture*

Everyone: this is fine


Can’t believe New Zealand are introducing a new flag just as I finished memorising the old one.


When I was in high school we had to do an assignment where we kept a food diary and I worked at Baskin Robbins so one night for dinner all I wrote down was 14 waffle cones and 1/2 cup hot fudge and my teacher sent me to the counselor.


Told my 11 and 8 next time I take their electronics away I’d also be responding to all texts they receive.They’ve been well behaved since.


Peanuts are legumes
Cocoa is a fruit
Sugar is a beet

Conclusion: Snickers is a salad


I spent so much time bowling as a kid that the first time I fingered a girl I accidentally threw her down the hallway


my favorite game is called “Secret Family.” I go to the movies & sit near a group of strangers & pretend they love me


“no one cares abot ur plan to dig to the center of the earth! the world doesnt revolve around you!” she said.