@heyitsJudeD

Cop: spread’em!

Me: *frantically starts buttering bread*

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@stevevsninjas

[immortal aliens studying us]
After about 80 years, they enter a larval stage and lie dormant underground. We don’t know what happens next.

@NYC_Blonde

I told the barista my name was “Britney Spears” just for giggles and he handed me my coffee with “annoying white girl” written on it instead

@i_love_fudge

Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in her purse.

@Brianhopecomedy

Either my 1 year old found the stash of markers or she head-butted a rainbow.

@FrogAvalanche

[2021]
One smoker left in the world. The Quit Smoking ads get personal.
HEY KEVIN, STOP SMOKING. YOU STINK. YOUR WIFE SAYS YOU NEED VIAGRA.

@LadyBlueberry

Facebook’s forever reminding me about people’s birthdays like I sell cakes😒😒.

@Dog_Marriage

Breaking news from My dog!! there ar Small animals outside sometimes, but especially Right Now.