@Chumpstring

COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: are u carrying any drugs
ME: [a mousetrap is in my pocket] i don’t remember but i do consent to a search

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@rebrafsim

Doctor: you’ll be fine if you don’t touch your face

T-rex: hell yeah

@QwertyJones3

Me: You’re going to disagree with this statement.
Wife: No I’m not.

@celebrityhottub

I’m on a plane with the dad from Home Alone and it’s taking all my strength to not scream “WE FORGOT KEVIN!”

@CandyEmpires

Literally nothing has had less of an impact towards changing my life than that inspirational quote you posted on social media.

@PellMull

It was the Bleh of Times,
It was the Meh of Times…

@LostFelicia

I made the cutest little Easter baskets with leaves and fronds. My neighbor is still wondering who sawed off the top of his palm tree.