COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: are u carrying any drugs
ME: [a mousetrap is in my pocket] i don’t remember but i do consent to a search

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Doctor: you’ll be fine if you don’t touch your face

T-rex: hell yeah


Me: You’re going to disagree with this statement.
Wife: No I’m not.


I’m on a plane with the dad from Home Alone and it’s taking all my strength to not scream “WE FORGOT KEVIN!”


Literally nothing has had less of an impact towards changing my life than that inspirational quote you posted on social media.


It was the Bleh of Times,
It was the Meh of Times…


I made the cutest little Easter baskets with leaves and fronds. My neighbor is still wondering who sawed off the top of his palm tree.