COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: are u carrying any drugs
ME: [a mousetrap is in my pocket] i don’t remember but i do consent to a search
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I’m hiring a motivational speaker for my lazy eye.
Congrats to the person that invented the wobbly restaurant table. It’s basically everywhere now.
Eternal damnation for the sorry acquaintance who cons you into watching his favorite film and keeps looking to see if you’re reacting.
This empty bowl of cake batter taught me I shouldn’t volunteer to make cupcakes for weddings alone.
I’d prob date Pete Davidson too if Instagram showed me a targeted ad for him more than 3x
*gives you dictionary for your birthday*
wow.. i don’t know what to say
“that’s why i bought it for you”
People complain about crying babies on airplanes, but in my experience a crying pilot is worse.
date: so what do you do?
me: *recalling how I deface every mesh window covering I see with Sharpie* I’m a screenwriter
In my daydreams I’m majestic, like a hippo ballerina, but in reality, I’m a rhinoceros breakdancer.
The iPad Air is named after what’s left in your bank account when you buy one.
Coworker: Did you know a blue whale’s arteries are big enough for a person to swim through?
Me: DID YOU KNOW THE KUERIG DOESN’T JUST MAGICALLY REFILL ITSELF, DAN?
Interviewer: so where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.
These people at work keep interrupting my naps.
If you can’t get your baby to stop crying, try vacuuming. Then you can’t hear your baby crying and your floors will be clean.
I think one reason babies cry on planes is because flying sucks & babies aren’t liars like you & me.
Him: You okay?
Me eating a tube of cookie dough like a banana: Yeah, why?
[cruising down highway in friend’s car with windows down]
me: [opens bag of glitter]
How to help someone who’s cooking a barbecue:
1. Stand at their side
2. Keep one hand on your hip
3. Other hand holding a drink
4. Stare at the food
5. Occasionally say “those sausages might be done I reckon”
6. That’s it. You’ve been invaluable
My high must be wearing off, because that cop car that pulled me over 20 minutes ago is starting to look like a house with Christmas lights.
Letting my son turn the pages when we read together so he’s more engaged with the story and also because sometimes he accidentally skips pages.
*waits to answer so he misses me*
(5 seconds later) okay, that’s long enough
French guy (showing me his yachts): This is Un. This is Deux. This is Trois. This is Quatre. This is Six.
Me: Where’s the 5th?
FG: Cinq.
Throw away an avocado skin?
In this economy?*makes avocado skin suits.
*sells them on Etsy.
Pretty unfair how gargoyles just monopolized rooftop perches.
[ants at a Def Leppard concert]
*Pour Some Sugar on Me starts*
Ant 1: Oh hell yeah I love this one
Ant 2: Sugar is good for us and the queen
genie: “thats definitely your last wish?”
me: [smiles at my wife in wheelchair] “yes”
genie: “ok”
our dog: “how can i talk all of a sudden?”
My son turned 3 and suddenly his elbows are spears, all I’m saying is it seems very uncool that my tiny dictator should get more weapons.
Once I found there was no popcorn in popcorn chicken there was no reason to try pot roast.
Me: WOW. Look at those legs!
Her: Thank you.
M: They’d look great around my neck!
H: Hey!
M: Wish I’d brought my saw.
H: WHAT?!?
M: Nothing.