@Chumpstring

COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: got any drugs on u
ME: nah
COP: how about the car
ME: wouldn’t surprise me. it’s been acting funny lately

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@shutupmikeginn

Lifehack: If whenever someone asks your opinion on something you say, “Now thats-a spicy meatball!” people will learn not to ask you things.

@AndyAsAdjective

“how’d your football team football today?”

those footballers footballed quite well…really good footballin’

@tastefactory

Most kids have a stuffed animal or blankie. My niece has one of those plastic owls u put outside to scare away birds

@Lisabug74

You realize a robot is telling you to pick out tree pictures to make sure you’re not a robot.

@nyquills

Me: you know in that remake of mad max where the blind dude is playing guitar on the spiky death metal car with flames shooting out of it and people are swinging around throwing spears?

Wedding Planner: what

@TweetPotato314

wife: I wish you’d quit breaking wind at the dinner table

me: *judo chopping the air* champions are always training

@kumailn

The Devil has his own Bible. He’s releasing it slowly in internet comment threads all across the web.

@karanbirtinna

Friend: Hey Karanbir! Long time no see. How’s your brother?

Me: He has moved on to a better place.

Friend: OMG that’s terrible! He was so young!

Me: Oh he didn’t die. He moved to Canada.