Lifehack: If whenever someone asks your opinion on something you say, “Now thats-a spicy meatball!” people will learn not to ask you things.
COP: step outta the car
COP: got any drugs on u
COP: how about the car
ME: wouldn’t surprise me. it’s been acting funny lately
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“how’d your football team football today?”
those footballers footballed quite well…really good footballin’
Most kids have a stuffed animal or blankie. My niece has one of those plastic owls u put outside to scare away birds
You realize a robot is telling you to pick out tree pictures to make sure you’re not a robot.
ME: [bird watching]
PIGEON: [looking out window] Babe he’s back.
Me: you know in that remake of mad max where the blind dude is playing guitar on the spiky death metal car with flames shooting out of it and people are swinging around throwing spears?
Wedding Planner: what
wife: I wish you’d quit breaking wind at the dinner table
me: *judo chopping the air* champions are always training
Me: ruin me for other men
*Two kids later*
Me: not like that
The Devil has his own Bible. He’s releasing it slowly in internet comment threads all across the web.
Friend: Hey Karanbir! Long time no see. How’s your brother?
Me: He has moved on to a better place.
Friend: OMG that’s terrible! He was so young!
Me: Oh he didn’t die. He moved to Canada.