Cop: Suspect located, we’re in hot pursuit
Me: *rolling down window* I THINK YOU’RE CUTE TOO!
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[taking girlfriend out]
her dad: have her back at a reasonable time
me: don’t worry sir *clicks seatbelt* i have her back all the time
her dad: propose
The best thing capitalism has done is put a little window on pasta boxes so the noodles can look out at the world.
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
Cobra’s try and act tough by wearing a hoodie
“My buddy can’t get a date it’s wild”
That sucks. What’s he like?
“He’s in great shape, hits the gym,”
But what’s his personality-
“He makes so much money. He has three Ferraris.”
How’s his personali-
“He wears three gold watches & a gold hat. Why doesn’t he have a gf”
I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.
Unsure if you want kids or not? My son told me he throws the grapes that “look funny” behind the couch and I just found his secret pile of rotting fruit.
Cop: Ma’am, Are you intoxicated?
Me: Are YOU intoxicated!
Cop: No
Me: Prove it!
Cop: *puts handcuffs on me*
Me: I like where this is going.
Police dogs are fine but we need a few crime dogs to even things up
Sorry, “hella” was an inappropriate word choice. I was trying to be cool. I’ll rephrase: Your son is totally missing.
I’m boycotting the Olympics because I just heard some sort of misinformation campaign claiming the last Winter Olympics held in 2018 was four years ago.
My favorite thing about summer is opening your window for 30 seconds so an insect that hasn’t been identified by science yet can fly into your home.
In hell, you have to watch my son fold laundry.
*steals machine parts all year*
*gets coal for xmas*
“Santa you idiot, the parts were for a pressure chamber”
*turns coal into diamond*
I put some doughnuts, ice cream, and snickers bars in my blender for dessert tonight, so yeah-I juice.
People in Arab nations are still wondering what all the western world hub bub about hump day and camel toe is about.
I can’t stop laughing at this I haven’t stopped laughing at this for the last 45 minutes
No one:
Me: oh thank you I got it on sale.
In 2058 the selfies became self aware and choose their own filters.
Stop saying “so I did a thing”…just say what you did, moron
Did you have a good weekend or did your 4 y/o tell a lady with grey hair in the greeting card isle to “Move it old lady!”?
Martial arts movie, starring me
Master: You wish to learn to fight?
Me: Yes
Master: The training is very difficult
Me: Oh then no
The End
*still doesn’t understand when or why asterisks started indicating action*
Banning us to the couch is not as bad as you believe it is ladies. It makes us feel manly. Like we’re camping. With an angry bear close by.
I’m off to the store
got your wallet?
yes
you sure?
YES
*hour later wife turns on news and I’m being chased by 6 cop cars and a helicopter*
i have feelings for you. frustration mostly, but still
Drinking on vacation is directly related to the weather. If it’s sunny and clear you go outside and drink more. If it’s cool and rainy you stay inside and drink more.
Is the stick figure with the halo on the back of the minivan the dead kid or the really good one? I’m too scared to ask.
In email they should change “Save As New” to “Ugh, I’ll Deal With That Later.”