[cop taps on my fogged up car window on make-out hill]
ME: *alone holding a huge steamy bucket of fried chicken* what’s the problem officer
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ME: [slowly heating water containing frog]
WIFE: what are you doing!
ME: [adding bubble bath] Ribbit Downey Jr had a stressful day
Time estimates:
“Give me one sec” – Within the hour
“I’ll be one minute” – An hour or two
“I’m on it” – Maybe today
“In a bit” – Sometime this week
“It’s on my list” – Perhaps this month
“Leave it with me” – Possibly never
“If I have time” – Never
You’re not allowed to say “long story short” after talking for 30 minutes.
Her: My name is Katherine but you can call me Bunnie!
Me: No, Katherine. I don’t believe I can.
Welcome to your fifties. You have seven pairs of reading glasses throughout your house, but you can’t find any of them, including the ones on your head.
And the Lord said in the presence of a loading zone
I want a fast formal restaurant. Food comes out in two minutes, but they won’t serve you unless you’re wearing a suit with tails. I think this could be a little fun while society breaks down
*God provides manna from heaven*
“Is there gluten in this?”
Ok..I get it now..When you spoke in a normal voice it was unclear what you meant but once you screamed the identical words it all made sense
My girlfriend left me for a hindu guy.
Anyway, he’ll treat her better – they worship cows.
*Rock “the Dwayne” Johnson
I tried being a Disney Princess but them damn budgies keep loading the dishwasher wrong
Saw the optometrist and he said he’s going to have to increase my prescription because my eye muscles have gotten weaker. I think he can tell I’ve been skipping eye day when I go to the gym.
If you have three cookies and one is oatmeal raisin, you only have two cookies.
*in the front row of a James Blunt concert raising a sign that says THANK YOU every time he sings the words ‘You’re Beautiful’
Any jeans can be skinny jeans if you eat enough doughnuts.
If you’re wondering who the dumbest person in the world is, I put latte mug of tea in the microwave, but the mug was too tall, so I poured some tea out and tried to put the mug back in.
I’m having problems with favstar. Can all of you trophy me to see if it’s working right now? Thanks.
My daughter made handmade Christmas cards for friends and family. She decided to abbreviate some of the words to make the work go faster. Instead of writing “I made this for you” her cards read “I made this f you”. I’d correct her but it seems like the perfect 2020 sentiment.
The neighbor kid talks a lot of shit for someone who isn’t allowed to leave the yard.
Just know that if I go up to the hand sanitizer machine and it doesn’t dispense anything, I’m still running my hands together. 🙏🏼
*Handed a baby*
Awww he’s so cute. Do you have anything quieter?
*interview for new roommate*
Ninja: I know it’s a small place, but you won’t even know I’m here.
*Pizza Hut job interview*
“Do you own a shitty car and smoke pot?”
No sir.
“You will.”
Don’t forget to celebrate Columbus Day by moving in to someone else’s house and telling everyone it’s yours, then closing the post office.
ME: shouldn’t i, the one who has accumulated all the debt, be known as the debt collector?
DEBT COLLECTOR: *muffled whispering*
ME:
DEBT COLLECTOR: i’ll call you back
sorry for the inconvenience but the park will be closing for one hour because we accidentally made one of the dinosaurs too big
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
What’s brown, hairy and wears sunglasses?
A coconut on holiday!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#SaturdayVibes #SaturdayThoughts #Holiday
I hate people who use big words in tweets just to make themselves look perspicacious.