Cop: Tell me again why you pulled out scissors and gave her bangs.
Me: She was flirting with a hot dad that I had my eye on.
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Roses are red,
Daisies are free.I’ll never forget you,
It burns when I pee.
I know you’re the instructor but I’ve seen Ghost 47 times so I know for a fact this IS how pottery is made!
8’s school reopens on Monday for the first time in nearly 3 months. They’ve given different drop-off times to avoid large crowds and ours is 20 minutes earlier than usual but joke’s on them I dropped him there last Tuesday
*time travels to the 1950s*
Me: …and it’ll change the world forever. I call it the Internet
1950s person: incredible! How does it work?
Me:
Facial recognition software, but it just explains Where You Know That Person From
WIFE: I have a couple important announcements…First: I’m pregnant
ME: Hi Pregnant, I’m dad
WIFE: Second: No you’re not
If I was a witch I would cast vague and subtle spells. So and so never gets to see a rainbow again. That type of stuff.
Going out with a girl who works in cyber security next week so I’m gonna print out all my passwords and ask what she thinks
I consider anything that doesn’t fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.
The Last Dance just keeps getting better
Scientists say that dinosaurs and humans didn’t coexist but the makers of The Flintstones clearly dispute this so I’m not sure.
Omg what a weekend – I don’t need to eat again for the rest of this year.
Is that cheesecake?
My friend of mine likes to name her cars. She jokingly named her car after me. As soon as she did it started leaking oil and backfiring.
I am not shocked.
My turn ons are naps, cereal, and seeing women that are prettier than me trip over cracks in the sidewalk…
I think my wife discovered that I opened a new bag of chips before the old one was finished. Just in case I suddenly disappear.
Me: Where do you want to eat?
Her: Wherever you pick is fine.
Narrator: Wherever he picked was not fine.
Me: why are there so many rednecks at this bar
Vampire: *shifting guiltily* haha yeah weird
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
Now would be a really inconvenient time to get divorced because I just had a bunch of stuff monogrammed
[while listening to halloween sounds cd I bought] spooky huh [friend on road trip with me] yeah but got anythin else its like a 6 hour drive
Nobody is more drunk with power than a 6-year-old telling Alexa to do anything.
[helping kid w/math]
What is 0.1 as a fraction?
“One tenth?”
Good, now what does 10% mean?
“Battery low, plug in your phone?”
Perfect
Miniature Donkeys escaped out of the fence and are heading to town and I’m pretty sure the damn cat orchestrated the entire plan.
ME: Is there a ghost in here?
{everything shakes, dishes shatter in kitchen, books fall off shelves}
Ouija Board: {slides to no}
ME: phew
Me: I want to-
Boss: Do not tell me you want to quit!
Me: What?!! That word isn’t even in my vocabulary!
Boss: Ok good. Go on
Me: I want to stop working here
Guys, women can spot another woman at 10 paces and tell you if she’s wearing 5″ or 6″ heels. She knows exactly what, 6″+ looks like.
one time i accidentally spilled some tabasco sauce on my grandma’s ouija board & the next thing i knew my pontiac fiero was on fire
*watching tv
Me: “Don’t just stand there, idiot! Run! Escape while there’s still time! God, I can’t watch”
Wife: (turns off wedding video)
Me: Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.
Minister: That’s not really appropriate for wedding vows.