@WineMummy

Cop: Tell me again why you pulled out scissors and gave her bangs.

Me: She was flirting with a hot dad that I had my eye on.

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@YourMomsucksTho

My husband and I were going to start trying to communicate better until we realized how horrible that actually is

@ThisOneSayz

Evidence that I have the right to be silent and get drunk at 8:17am:

Kids are painting the dog in the living room.

@dafloydsta

INTERVIEWER: What did you like most about your last job?

ME: *leans in way too close* Leaving it.

@Matty_Softmitts

I confuse “playing dead” with “playing dumb” so if I ever encounter a bear I’ll probably be like “Listen, I don’t even know how I got here.”

@VerbsRProudest

I have a draft that just says “rhino!” & I cannot even wrap my brain around why I thought that would make sense.

@NorCalBratt

Me: But babe, my doctor said I can’t have sex after giving birth.

Babe: She’s 11..

@GrillyJoel

INTERVIEWER: so it says on your resume that your greatest strengths is correcting grammar and talking like a pirate?

ME: are

INTERVIEWER (impressed): Holy Shit

@AndyRichter

If you like airborne fecal matter you’ll love being alive on earth

@hollyshortall

American recipes are litch like

•3.5 handfuls of milk
•2/7 cup of cheese
•Pasta to taste