My husband and I were going to start trying to communicate better until we realized how horrible that actually is
Cop: Tell me again why you pulled out scissors and gave her bangs.
Me: She was flirting with a hot dad that I had my eye on.
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Evidence that I have the right to be silent and get drunk at 8:17am:
Kids are painting the dog in the living room.
INTERVIEWER: What did you like most about your last job?
ME: *leans in way too close* Leaving it.
I confuse “playing dead” with “playing dumb” so if I ever encounter a bear I’ll probably be like “Listen, I don’t even know how I got here.”
I have a draft that just says “rhino!” & I cannot even wrap my brain around why I thought that would make sense.
Me: But babe, my doctor said I can’t have sex after giving birth.
Babe: She’s 11..
INTERVIEWER: so it says on your resume that your greatest strengths is correcting grammar and talking like a pirate?
INTERVIEWER (impressed): Holy Shit
If you like airborne fecal matter you’ll love being alive on earth
American recipes are litch like
•3.5 handfuls of milk
•2/7 cup of cheese
•Pasta to taste