COP: Tell me what you saw
ME: Jersey Boys
COP: *sighs* at the crime scene
ME: No, at the theatre
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For most, bikini season lasts a few short summer months, but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I can eat bikini all year round.
Like a good neighbor
plow my driveway, not my wife
When you try to be humble and say it’s no big deal and they agree with you😭.
I had a colonoscopy on Friday. Just let me say there are some things you should never use a Groupon for.
So is Walmart a verb now?
As in, “I’m out of clean underwear, so I’m going to have to Walmart it today.”
My car broke down today. It confessed to a series of hit-and-run murders back in 2006.
If someone has a second baby, tell them it is better than the last one.
20s: I want to see the world!
40s: If I do all of my food shopping on Sunday I won’t have to go outside for a week.
Dateline has taught me that the day I light up a room, my days are numbered.
I’m sorry sir, your wife didn’t make it.
Was it *sniff* the lack of prayers on Facebook?
Yes sir, I’m afraid it was.
Share your cheese puns. Only the Gouda stuff, not de Brie.
noah: two of every single species on earth
god: yes
noah: and a boat to fit them all
god: yes
noah: and people will ridicule me the whole time
god: yes
noah: and all my friends are going to die
god: yes
noah: but like the world will be good after that right
god: i mean
I hate to rub it in, but lotion doesn’t really work otherwise.
[First date]
Him: So where do you hike?
Me: I don’t hike.
Him: Your profile said you love hiking.
Me: I’m a fiction writer.
No one told me middle age would be so fuzzy, and if you are wondering whether I mean my eyesight or my facial hair, yes.
9 out of 10 archaeologists agree, the 10th one should not have uttered incantations to unlock the cursed bonds holding that Sumerian daemon
This Is total BULLSHIT! You can’t even find ACME anvils on ebay.
THIS IS WHY THE ALIENS DON’T TAKE US SERIOUSLY!
So all them black Harry Potter wizards just sat there and let slavery happen?
what is cheese if not milk persevering
Why would a married man buy a hearing aid?
Psychiatrist: You saw a doctor before me?
Me: Yes.
Psychiatrist: What was their diagnosis?
Me: ᵐᵘˡᵗⁱᵖˡᵉ ᵖᵉʳˢᵒⁿᵃˡⁱᵗʸ ᵈⁱˢᵒʳᵈᵉʳ
Psychiatrist: Excuse me?
Me: HE SAID MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER.
*Feels the cool breeze caressing my skin*
Cool breeze: I have a girlfriend
Me: I missed you
Sharon: Awww, that’s sweet
Me: Don’t duck this time (throws another hammer)
Looks the same on the way in, as it does on the way out
I just meowed at a cat and from the way it looked back at me I am 90% sure I said something really offensive
Midwest trash talk
“It looks like you’re in the middle of a workout.”
– My passive-aggressive Apple Watch as I walk across a parking lot to my car
Packing my lunch and including two fruits so they have each other to keep company when I don’t eat either of them
Why is it called stupidity and not a total eclipse of the smart?
Me: Soooo it’s our 3rd date. Is this when we like, you know, take it to the next level?
Him: Definitely! My place or yours?
Me: I was just hoping to go somewhere a little nicer than 7-11