Cop: Tell me your alibi for last night, or you’re going to prison
Me (watched Fight Club with Voldemort): oh no
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The sun isn’t even up yet but this seems like a good time to start yelling at the top of my lungs trying to find a girlfriend.
– birds
I carry pizza from the kitchen to the living room on purpose so my dogs are like my paparazzi
“I wonder if there’s a word for a person who inspires you,” I mused.
*struggling to get the peanut butter jar that I just closed open*
“HOLY COW, I’M STRONGER THAN MYSELF”
Saw the baby talking to the air so I’m immediately moving and leaving her behind. I’ve seen this movie before
Not sure which is more mortifying, the dog bringing your dirty panties to the repairman or the repairman balling them up and throwing them for her.
Every old house is haunted, but some ghosts are just clumsier than others.
My GPS told me to drive up an off-ramp to get onto a highway going the wrong direction so I’m going to pass on getting into a self-driving car, thanks.
As a kid Popeye was my hero. I’d stare at canned spinach and longed to eat it so I could be as strong as him. One day I stole a can from my grandma and with sweet anticipation took my first bite ever only to find out it tasted like… well canned spinach. Crime doesn’t pay kids.
2 year old runs naked down the street.
“Awwwwwwwwwwwwww.”
I run naked down the street.
“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”
Her: What superpower would you choose?
Me: *sweating* Definitely the USA or China.
Cop: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: *just ran a stop sign* Yes
Police radio: All units be advised: Dangerous suspect at large with the ability to read minds
Cop: *unsheathing his baton* Well well well
Why do we need to learn History? George Washington didn’t need it and he was a King.
Doctor: Do you eat plenty of fruits and vegetables?
Me: *reminiscing about eating a whole chocolate Orange*
Yes, yes I do
My husband just said “Do I look stupid to you?” Is this a trick question because it really feels like a trick question.
GIRL: daddy look it’s a killer whale
WHALE: for your information I’m only a suspect at this point
Girl i dated had an outside cat who really liked me & one day when i went out for a smoke there was a bird heart placed on the wall where i usually sat. Cat was scoping me to see if i liked my gift so i did that move where you pretend to eat it so she didnt think i was ungrateful
WELCOME TO DAYLIGHT SAVINGS!!!! IT IS CHAOS!!! WANT A 6 AM GRILLED CHEESE?? DO IT!! TAKE A NAP AT 1 PM? GO FOR IT!! GET MARRIED IN GREECE AND INVITE THREE MEN WHO MIGHT BE YOUR FATHER?? YOU GO GIRL!!!!
Things I’ve learned in life
1. Never tickle a stranger at a bar or at the urinal.2….
That’s it. Just don’t tickle people you don’t know
I want the new mayor to do something about the size of the squirrels in this city, they’re too big and they’re only getting bigger.
I don’t usually brag on here, but I just got an email saying I have, and I quote, an “outstanding” medical bill
Just got nominated for an Oscar for my role as “man surprised his credit card was declined”
I try to avoid things that make me fat, like scales, mirrors, and photographs.
Welcome to adulthood: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
Seriously, soup?
If I wanted to drink my lunch I would go to a bar.
Did…did a minotaur write this
Pro Tip : Don’t shout at a mate going through airport security “You are the bomb dude, you are the bomb !!”
Emotional support bacon is a thing right? Because I’m on pound number 2