Cop: Tell me your alibi for last night, or you’re going to prison

Me (watched Fight Club with Voldemort): oh no

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Wearing a mask had been helpful as I’ve forgotten where I packed my nose hair trimmer.


I always thought that saying, ‘the more, the merrier’ was referring to alcohol, not people.

Now it doesn’t make any sense at all.


I don’t know who needs to hear this, but those single unmatched socks that have been on top of your dryer for years have a better chance of finding a mate than you do.


The E. coli in the city water supply means I am just one glass away from my goal weight.


Fun Fact: When the bartender asks if you want two or three fingers, he isn’t always talking about the liquor.


Ghosting is such a fun word for something so sad

Like put away your big white sheets and throw away your casper dvds gang we’re going to play with abandonment issues


If you ever find a partially eaten grilled cheese sandwich at my house call the police.


Me, wide awake after staying up all night:
*Sings loudly*
*Dancing around*
*Way too chipper*
*Annoying my friends and family*

My neighbor: Good Morning!

Me: How dare you speak to me so early in the morning? Have you no respect?


My next door neighbor has been knocking on my front door for hours.

Does she really think I am going to let her leave?