@ArfMeasures

Cop: Tell me your alibi for last night, or you’re going to prison

Me (watched Fight Club with Voldemort): oh no

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@toomanycommas3

Wearing a mask had been helpful as I’ve forgotten where I packed my nose hair trimmer.

@HomeProbably

I always thought that saying, ‘the more, the merrier’ was referring to alcohol, not people.

Now it doesn’t make any sense at all.

@thepaulahunt

I don’t know who needs to hear this, but those single unmatched socks that have been on top of your dryer for years have a better chance of finding a mate than you do.

@moose_chocolate

The E. coli in the city water supply means I am just one glass away from my goal weight.

@onelongbender

Fun Fact: When the bartender asks if you want two or three fingers, he isn’t always talking about the liquor.

@ACartoonCat

Ghosting is such a fun word for something so sad

Like put away your big white sheets and throw away your casper dvds gang we’re going to play with abandonment issues

@cravin4

If you ever find a partially eaten grilled cheese sandwich at my house call the police.

@GroovyTasia

Me, wide awake after staying up all night:
*Sings loudly*
*Dancing around*
*Way too chipper*
*Annoying my friends and family*

My neighbor: Good Morning!

Me: How dare you speak to me so early in the morning? Have you no respect?

@beefman138

My next door neighbor has been knocking on my front door for hours.

Does she really think I am going to let her leave?