cop: thanks for saving us but why is your underwear on wrong

superman: lmao they’re not on wrong


superman: wait is this wrong

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I’ve been saying I’ll sleep when I’m dead for so long, I’m starting to really look forward to dying.


When someone tries to hand me a baby, I say, “No, thanks. I’m vegetarian.”


My ex wife has the only copy of our wedding video, can’t see myself getting married again.


Rappers: we gonna see you in the club! Get down in the club! Party in the club!

Me: ok cool can’t wait
[is too embarrassed to ask ‘but which club though’]


Today, I went to the bathroom without my phone… there are 107 tiles on my floor


going to casually drop this here so everyone can worry with me


*watching movie with demon killer clown*

Me to husband: Ridiculous, so unbelievable! Did you see the size of that kid’s bedroom


I feel like it should be pretty obvious at this point that when I google “how long does [some food item] last” what I mean is “I am going to eat the food, please tell me how sick I should expect to get”