I’ve been saying I’ll sleep when I’m dead for so long, I’m starting to really look forward to dying.
cop: thanks for saving us but why is your underwear on wrong
superman: lmao they’re not on wrong
superman: wait is this wrong
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When someone tries to hand me a baby, I say, “No, thanks. I’m vegetarian.”
My ex wife has the only copy of our wedding video, can’t see myself getting married again.
Rappers: we gonna see you in the club! Get down in the club! Party in the club!
Me: ok cool can’t wait
[is too embarrassed to ask ‘but which club though’]
Today, I went to the bathroom without my phone… there are 107 tiles on my floor
going to casually drop this here so everyone can worry with me
*watching movie with demon killer clown*
Me to husband: Ridiculous, so unbelievable! Did you see the size of that kid’s bedroom
me: hey siri
siri: (long, deep sigh) what
I feel like it should be pretty obvious at this point that when I google “how long does [some food item] last” what I mean is “I am going to eat the food, please tell me how sick I should expect to get”
to be Frank, i would have to change my name.