cop: thanks for saving us but why is your underwear on wrong
superman: lmao they’re not on wrong
cop:
superman: wait is this wrong
You Might Also Like
I’m my own boyfriend when it comes to farts
if ariel is the little mermaid then how big is a regular mermaid. are they like 40ft long
im awake if anyone wants to go on a cute forest hike and feed me to a bear
Everyone has that one friend they’ve known for years and still have no idea what they actually do for a living but it’s too late to ask
Breaking Bad – Season 05 Episode 14 – Frame 640 of 2834
It sucks when you’re stuck in traffic behind a truck so you have no idea what’s going on down the road. For all you know Godzilla is melting cars a block ahead.
Wife: [reaches for the fries on my plate]
Me: [slides grocery divider between plates]
Wife: you said you didn’t take that from the store.
Me: and you said you didn’t want any fries but here we are.
My 3yo surprised me with a giant loving hug and then uttered those four magic words: “I did something bad”
Cop: Admit it! You killed that family
Murderer: You can’t prove anything…
Cop: You know, you’re actually called “Murderer” in this thing
Librarian “SHHHHH”
*Turns lawnmower to low setting*
Im losing my mind and can’t remember when I’ve already done things.
Case in point: My fish are actually looking obese.
I just panic bought 7 gallons of wolf urine and I’m not even sorry.
It’s so weird to call it the “mall”. In Scotland we are very creative, we call one store a “shop” and many stores “the shops”.
Just saw my husband’s glasses on the side of a milk carton.
this kid in kindergarten used to make fun of me all the time, then one day I couldn’t take it anymore so I ate all of his crayons while he was watching. I was so happy when he cried but I kinda regret it cause I ended up losing my teaching job
You know what they say,
so I won’t tell you.
You know you’re tired when you kneel on the ground pick something up and then have to decide if it’s easier to get up or just live there now
*Watching tv*
Him: wtf are you eating?
Me: Cotton candy. *stuffing more in my mouth* The attic is full of it but I think it’s stale.
Pro Tip: wash your hands after you shake mine
[ DURING SEX ]
Me: Who’s a bad hand!?
[my dog poops]
man: pick it up!
[my dog poops faster]
Here I am, block me like a hurricane.
A coworker just told me that “it is what it is” and I have never felt so enlightened.
WebMD is a Choose Your Own Adventure book where every single story ends in malignant cancer
me, when I was a centaur and dropped a contact
The good news is that my appetite has come back. The bad news is that my appetite has come back.
reporter: “what inspired your theory of gravity”
isaac newton: “i fell off the toil-”
agent: [leans into mic] “an apple hit him on the head”
Remember when everyone was tweeting about how bad 2019 was and we couldn’t wait until it was over?
2019: “How you like me now?”
Dad: There’s no use crying over spilled milk son.
Me: But dad it was tequila!
Dad: What!? *cries immensely*
And for my next trick, I’m going to make this first date the last date.