When my kid has a friend over and he starts talking to me, I’m like, “No. This is the opposite of why I let you come here.”
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Turns out 6 foot penguins don’t exist, in related news, I might have just ran over a nun.
The greeter at my local Walmart is terrible at karate
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “cat”
ME: ok
JUDGE: incorrect
can you imagine shamir going through the Bad Freelance Experience…… someone’s like “i want u to assassinate this guy” and she quotes them for 2000g and they go “what? that’s so high! doesn’t it only take you two seconds to, like, shoot an arrow?”
Once a toddler learns “why?” It’s all over
ME: in closing, all of the facts I’ve presented today prove that Bush did 911
PRIEST: and now the bride will read the vows she has written
And the cat’s in the cradle so the baby must be at the pet groomer’s, this is a terrible mix-up.
Are any of my friends mechanics? Been having a weird car trouble when driving into work; my car just drives past my workplace and drives straight to the beach instead.
I’m exceptionally skilled at accomplishing absolutely nothing while screwing something up, therefore accomplishing less than zilch.
No one is shocked when a defibrillator doesn’t work.
when a bird is walking around on its little bird legs. it’s mocking you. it’s saying this is you. this is what you look like.
BOSS: You’re late again today
ME {still using the Mayan calendar}: We’re lucky to even be here you know
How long can you soak pots & pans in your sink?
Please say 12 years
Pro tip: Instead of having kids, just adopt a couple raccoons. They’ll trash your house too, but at least they can feed themselves.
When I’m behind a slow car I steer my car a little to the right so the people behind me can see it isn’t my fault.
Jewelry stores should just be like: Whether you’re trying to be nice or trying to get laid- we got you covered.
date: i think i’ve been here before
me: really? this is my first fancy french restaurant
date: i’m definitely having deja vu
me: nice [hands menus back to waiter] make that 2 deja vus please
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt have no other Gods bef-”
“Slow down, fella. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’.”
Anyone who believes in cyber-bullying is a huge pussy.
YANKEE DOODLE: *sticks feather in his cap* This is called macaroni
YANKEE DOODLE’S FRIEND: Ok, cool. Listen man, everybody’s worried about u
ROBBER: [looking through a drawer]
ME: [coming downstairs with a hockey stick]
ROBBER: [putting hands up] I’ll leave please don’t hurt me-
ME: Oh my god please don’t tell my wife I’m going to play 2 am hockey
Do regular squirrels think flying squirrels are super heroes??!
Whenever I utter the word ‘sober’ I wash my mouth out with alcohol.
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
Son: daddy I drew a dinosaur
Me *looking at the drawing*: no you didn’t
Came downstairs to watch the game and the channel had changed. Looked at the dog, he looked back, then slowly slid his paw off the remote.
I will marry a woman if she knows homer is Not a Simpson and Plato is Not clay
{Horses on a road trip passing my house}
HORSE 1: *Points at me in my yard* Human.
Pizza Hut is going gluten free so while you are dying from a heart attack you can atleast not have gas problems
Here’s a little song I wrote about our child trying to make her own smoothie in the blender it’s called “Yogurt on the Ceiling, Bananas on the Wall” and a one and a two