cop: the perp was found with red paint on his fingers, so i guess you could say he was caught.. *looks at camera* why is there a camera here
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*serious situation*
My brain:
I can’t stop thinking about what my sister took away from Endgame
[robber waving gun around in bank] nobody move a muscle
[me making eye contact with him then to the popsicle in my hand then back to him]
A possum broke into an Australian bakery and ate so many pastries it couldn’t move. This is how they found him.
My husband is out w/friends & I’m at home w/the kids. I’m going to sprinkle Legos under the covers on his side of the bed.
Technically… It’s only illegal when you get arrested.
Sorry not sorry.
‘It’s ok, I’m from the internet’, I whisper from under your bed as you call the police.
My neighbor won a hay show. Hay like in grass that livestock eats. There’s a show for it
Cop: please step out of the car
Me: *pulling away* suck it, cop!
Roller coaster operator: he’ll be back in 2 min 24 seconds
Dad: (tears in eyes) you’re going to make a fine dad someday
Son: (tears in eyes) should I make him out of wood or metal
Dad: (just bawling)
Be nice or I’ll put you in my novel and won’t change your name
Lycra leggings didn’t get me to the gym.
But I choreographed a modern dance trying to peel them off.
You know you’ve just had lunch with a narcissist when your neck is stiff from nodding.
Trying to not lose my SHIT as someone in the office kitchen continues to call Thomas the Tank Engine “Thomas the Train”
On your first day in jail, when they ask you what you’re in there for, say “the food” so all the other prisoners know you’re a loose cannon.
No, I’m not telling my wife the reason we need a new blender is because I didn’t remove the pit from the avocado, that’s between us.
All kids are born with a sixth sense that lets them know the absolute worst time to ask for something.
Friend: Can I be honest with you about something?
Me: Of course!
Friend: You sometimes-
Me: *walking into the ocean* Hahah I know, right?
I try to live my life everyday as if it were my last. And who wants to do laundry on their last day? Not me…
her: what’s this writing on your hand
me: I was cheating on an exam
her: it just says “hand”
me: yeah it was an anatomy exam
Just changed the GPS voice
in my car from male to female.Now if I miss a turn, she says ….
“( Sigh )….recalculating”
My daughter, filling out a college app, called me at home to get my home number. Big shout out to the ex-wife for pissing in my gene pool.
“I’m doing good, how are you?”
-Me lying out of my lying liar hole
Oh, horrific shit happened in a little town where no one locked their doors? You don’t say?
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year.
Most of the time.
Once in a while.
Never mind, I’ll buy my own stuff.
Don’t advertise “All You Can Eat” then drag me out kicking and screaming with fists full of shrimp.
“Don’t be a stranger,” I say, having already forgotten the name of the person I’m talking to.
[Speech Therapy]
Therapist: Repeat after me: I’m thirsty
Dad: I’m…thirsty
T: I’m hungry
D: I’m…H…Hi Hungry, I’m Dad
T: *throws clipboard*
I’m walking on sunshine, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH and I’m startin’ to feel
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH THIS IS TERRIBLE