COP: the word booty is painted all over ur neighbor’s house
ME: that’s awful
COP: he has video of the culprit
ME: that’s even worse isn’t it
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*adds another woman to the stick figure family decals on this car window*
And now we wait.
Just finished filming my new movie, “Death on the Sidewalk.” I shot it with my car’s back-up camera.
I wish Adele would hurry up and put out another album so I could end this relationship.
Surround yourself with people who will groom your eyebrows should you ever become comatose
I think the saying “every man for himself” was made up by women tired of making sandwiches
Be warned….if you fly Spirit, everything is an upgrade fee.
Choose your seat? $10 fee
Check a bag? $30 fee
Want a pilot? $50 fee
I planted grizzly DNA under my fingernails so when I choke on doritos the medical examiners assume I was strangled by a bear but fought back
[rock climbing]
me: *out of breath*
Dwayne Johnson: ok get off me
“Sarcasm will take you nowhere in the world”, my friend kept saying.
“It got me to the international Sarcasm finals in Monaco in 2017”
“Really “?
“No”
What if we just vaccinated a bunch of mosquitoes and released them?
[Burying dinosaur bones]
Dog Aliens: We’ll come back for these later
Customer care: Your call is important to us, please hold on.
Customer: *completes graduation* *gets a job* *gets married* *gets old* *dies*
therapist : are you ever worried that-
me: Yes
I put a complaint box in the break room… everyone thinks HR put it there… now I know all the crap people are saying about me…
If you drink straight from the pitcher, it’s technically only one margarita.
Just done a HIIT workout and if anyone sees me trying to do that again just go ahead and hiit me in the face
I think my husband is beginning to suspect
“Hello this is your captain speaking. I have fallen out of the plane yikes lol. Very impressed with the range on this Bluetooth headset tho”
My Girlfriend says I have a tendency to get ahead of myself.
Well she’s not my girlfriend yet….
[Bank]
ROBBER: Look, as long as everyone is cool, no-one will die*I walk in*
ROBBER [picks up gun] well, guess what, everyone
My 6 year old found the duct tape and now nothing in my house moves.
wife: “this is really your idea of an anniversary present?”
me: [on the other walkie talkie] “you didn’t say over, over”
KID: Why’s the sky blue
DAD: It’s sad
MOM: Light refraction
DAD: …
MOM: …
DAD: (*mumbling*) light refraction
Don’t mistake my habit to look down, as modesty.I have a long history of tripping on the most ridiculous things
I’ve got bad news. I went out to your apiary and someone had stolen all your apes. There were a lot of bees hanging around. You might see if they know who did it.
I just cleaned the house and took a picture so that in 15 minutes I can remember how nice it looked.
My next door neighbour just accused me of stealing clothes from her washing line. I nearly shit her pants
Cute waiter: Hi, what can I get for you?
Me: *accidentally barks*
when my period ends and i’m done with all the overly emotional outbursts
10:00: gets in hammock
10:00 to 10:20: relaxes in hammock
10:21 to 11:57: gets out of hammock