cop: this flat earther was ran over by a steamroller
detective: i guess you could say it’s [puts on sunglasses] really bright outside today
You Might Also Like
Rock bottom is bad, but it still beats scissor bottom.
Have kids so you can regularly test the limits of your sanity by watching someone eat a starburst in 26 bites.
*out for dinner with friends*
Me: I’m going to need 5 desserts and 1 spoon.
Waiter: Don’t you mean 1 dessert and 5 spoons?
Me: You heard me.
Based on my hair this morning . I think I might be a muppet .
Cop: *Hands me ticket
“I’ll see you in court.”Me: *Seductively winks
“Sure is a lot of trouble just to see me again.”Cop: …
“We like the idea, we do. We’re just afraid it’s going to keep the viewer awake.” – Sundance Channel execs
imagine when the stars that make orion’s belt die and his pants fall down
I get it grandma. I’m not sure what to do on Facebook either.
interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
me: i’m a slow learner
interviewer: well…that’s not good
me: mannn they said at the last five interviews I went to
“1-1-9, what’s your non-emergency?”
Caller:
“Just kidding, you dialed it right. Thought you could use a laugh right about now.”
Let me know when Duolingo makes a course in toddler
Wrote a manifesto using Google Translate so if I ever murder someone I can plead insanity.
Top Tip: Don’t name your kids after places, objects or things you see on the internet
Me: Sorry son, it seemed like a good idea at the time
You know you’ve just had lunch with a narcissist when your neck is stiff from nodding.
So I said, “Why don’t you eat one of these fried cornbread balls,” and he said “hush puppie,” so I said, “You hush, you piece of shit,” and one thing led to another court date.
I try to live my life everyday as if it were my last. And who wants to do laundry on their last day? Not me…
every ghost is a little afraid someone will see them and tell them to start wearing pants again
People think it’s funny when I tell them not to tickle me or I’ll pee. But they don’t laugh when the tickling has ended and the pee continues. “She’ll ruin all the furniture!” one cries. “Why is she still smiling?!” screams another.
LOAN OFFICER: I’m just a little unclear on the details.
DAVE: What are you not getting? I have 3 adoptive sons that are musicians and also chipmunks. They are obviously quite small and thus require custom instruments, for which I need a loan. Why is this so complicated?
Pro Tip: make your honeymoon boring and uninteresting so that the rest of your marriage feels like an improvement.
I thought stacking Oreos and displaying them in a decorative jar was a great idea, but I’m just eating them instead.
-Optimistics: The glass is half full
-Pessimistics: It’s half empty.
-Twitter: Is this about me? I’m offended.
Barber: What would you like today?
Me: Make me look attractive.
Barber: CAROL! CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS!
Carrots cant float. But if you tie fishy wire to one and hang it in the air and look at it from far away, it almost look like its floating
Me: Your generation sits around with their noses in their phones
Niece: Your generation made the guys who wrote the Macarena rich
Me: …
I’m banned from Church ever since I yelled “fake news” one too many times.
My 4yo informed me that she was “less than not half way done” getting ready for school. My guess is she’ll be ready before I figure out what that means.
Sent an email to my Mom. Now I’m at her place showing her how to open it.
*bitten by radioactive penguin
*gains ability to not fly
Me: You are not going to believe this…
Priest: Your confessions will always be belived, my child
Me: There is no toilet paper over here.