Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior.
Me: Can I have another? I’d like to bring a guest.
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Good news! I got the new restraining order today. So if anyone needs a stalker I’m available. I have mad stalking skills plus references.
Group- “Can believe Jesus just turned water into wine?!”
Me- *cutting up lines of table salt* “hey um, Jesus… soo can you do me a favor?”
Boss: I don’t want to be disturbed today.
Me: I don’t want to be disturbed either yet here we are.
Before you curse gravity, just imagine how unsatisfying sitting down would be without it.
What if the Government invented cheese to distract us from reality?
*gets arrested*
SIRI: Brian, what goes “blah blah blah, I don’t know anything, please help me”?
ME: Uhh
SIRI: It’s you. That’s what you sound like.
Love how you can tuck a kid in normally and come back 20 minutes later and find their leg over their head, their foot in their mouth and their pajamas on the floor
“It was M. Day Shyamalan all along!” – The ultimate twist
Aquarius: Your career is moving forward this week. Not with you, of course. Wave to it as it drives away in a new Lamborghini.
At least the first 6 months of January is almost over.
getting a nose ring so i don’t lose my keys
“Can you validate my parking?”
“You parked beautifully. Your dad would be proud.”
*wipes away tears* “Thanks.”
My kids are out of town so I’m going to get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
I’m sticking to my guns.
I really should have washed my hands after I ate.
Sea Turtle: humans keep trying to touch me while I’m swimming.
God: it could be worse.
Sea Turtle: how?
God: tell him crab.
Crab: my legs are delicious.
God: [nods] his legs are delicious.
Was shocked to hear this little girl say she wanted to be a street walker when she grows up until I realized she meant a crossing guard.
It’s 11:48 PM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed, there’s a creepy rustle, as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a granola bar.
My online therapist says you can’t live your life in fear….He also sells shampoo.
I hate to brag but I’ve been kicked out of several cults for being too weird.
this is what happens when everyone feeds the same stray
Inflation has drastically altered what it means to say “I just ate $25 worth of Taco Bell”
parents: a large old man with white hair is going to break into the house while you’re sleeping and give you toys
kids: oh worddddd
Sorry I packed all your things up and put them outside when you said you were leaving.
I didn’t hear “to work.”
2020 is not Jumanji, it’s X-files.
The Fast and the Furious is my favourite movie about me running away after dropping a vase in an antiques store
Shout out to weather for giving me SOMETHING to talk about when I encounter neighbors.
*a conspiracy theorist on the titanic talking to other passengers as the ship slips into the ocean*
oh, you think an iceberg caused this? frozen water cannot penetrate a steel hull. it’s impossible. you need to wake up. this is a controlled sinking…
Witness: … she said it, exactly so… verbatim.
Judge: *checks notes* Who the heck is Verb and who did he eat?!
[After Big Jewel Heist]
“We did it! We got away! Everything went to plan”
ME(holding my grappling hook I didn’t get to use): Yea it was ok
When you take Google Maps too seriously.