Cop: This spot is for frog parking only
Me: Oh yeah. What are you gonna do about it?
*gets toad*
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I wasted so many years trying to fit in, covering my accent, starving myself, straightening my hair, and trying to make others like me. The moment i realized that wasn’t freedom and said NO MORE, my entire life changed!! We are always enough as we are❤️
gonna pet so many people’s dogs while they’re distracted looking at the eclipse
…and when you saw 3 sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when it took the entire Holy Trinity to carry you after all those piña coladas.
i will be the first to admit when something is my fault, it really undercuts the other people blaming me for things
Common sense: Walk away.
Me: No.
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa department]
I’m the kind of girl that likes to wake up. Hear the birds chirping. And throw my coffee at them.
Without Googling, can you close your laptop, drive to the beach, and throw your phone into the ocean?
If you don’t think monkeys are adorable, then you can suck macaque.
[GF comes home to find our son alone]
Where are you? I said to watch him like a hawk!
ME: [soaring 20m above w/ a beakful of mice] I AM
Yesterday I taught my boss to play Angry Birds. Today, she “couldn’t make it in to work.” This is called managing upwards, people.
“I Spy” is the easiest game to win at cause you can just keep being like “nope that’s not it”
Ran into my wife at the library when we were both supposed to be “out with friends”
Me: *hyperventilating* 911? BEES! … EVERYWHERE! … SEND…HELP!
“Sir we don’t …”
Me: OMG! DON’T YOU HAVE A SWAT TEAM FOR THIS?
To the organizations that send me news alerts: However interested you think I am in the private life of Taylor Swift, I promise you it’s less than that.
My kids call to me “Oh Mommmmmy” like I’m Toodles about to bring them a Mouseketool.
Someone want to tell my kids that the color of the bowl has NO EFFECT ON THE FLAVOR OF THE FOOD!!
I love that we have computers and the Internet now, it’s much easier to publish a study, I just published one about bacon being a super food with all the vitamins and nutrients as kale but much better tasting.
I was indifferent to Top Gun: Maverick, but I’m seeing so much good buzz about it that right now I’m going to drop everything and totally watch it on basic cable in a couple of years.
Working on a new catchphrase. I’m workshopping “That really butters my baboon!” and “THAT’ll put a meatloaf in your mailbox!”
They’re testing equally well (nobody likes them)
“What a tangled web we weave”
-Earbuds
My coffee maker isn’t working and I can’t help but think that I could come up with a solution if I only had some coffee
ME: Have you seen my denim jacket?
GF: No, but it’s okay. Just checked the weather & it’s not going to be the 1980s today…
Apparently If ur BF says “if anything happens to me,I want u to meet someone new….”
“anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in
traffic.
I wish people would move over a bit in their selfies. We’re redecorating a bathroom and looking for ideas.
Pizza won’t solve your problems but you gotta try something.
there’s no rule that says you have to share your birthday cake, you can just blow out the candles and take that shit home with u
Nothing like waking up on a Friday and finding out it’s Tuesday