Cop: this whole crime scene is fishy
Cat Detective: *flashing badge* ok i’ll take it from here
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Therapist: How do you two keep the romance alive?
Me: I left him a message in red lipstick on the bathroom mirror last night.
Husband: It said REDRUM.
I’m watching Peppa Pig right now and I’m wondering what Papa Pig’s side hustle is that he can afford to take his whole family the Paris on a cement inspector’s salary.
I have the body of a 30yr old
Sofa.
If Die Hard is a Christmas movie, then a sleeveless vest is perfectly suitable attire for dinner with your mother, Sharon.
Remember when I told you that joke about the chiropractor?
It was about a week back…
(Slaps knee!)
Officer: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: Um…could you give me a hint?
O: You were sp–
M: No, don’t tell me-I said a hint.
O: Sir…
This can never not be funny 😭😭
Imagine us having sex..
Wrong, more lasagna.
They said the kids that bullied me in school would be pumping my gas one day but 1 just got a modeling contract who do I talk to about this
Attractive person: Hi.
Me: Is this some kind of sick joke?
Twitter is the new flypaper.
My kids had to work extra hard this morning but they were able to get the clean house back to it’s normal messy state just in time for the guests to arrive.
Coworker met a guy on an app, went on vacation with him, got married ob the vacation and quit today, I will be speaking on her episode of either Dateline or Snapped.
it’s may 17. what’s next? may 18? i didn’t sign up for this
Most populated places in the world:
1. China
2. India
3. United States
4. Indonesia
5. Friend Zone
6. Hell
[on game show]
Choose a door for a goat or a new car
“I’ll take door #2”
You’ve won the car!
*sees it’s a Kia*
“Can I have the goat instead”
Today’s Tarot Card: It’s not the destination that matters; it’s the huge number of enemies you’ve made along the way.
When my 4 year old asked where babies come from my toddler immediately responded, “mail man.” Now I feel like I owe my husband a phone call and we need to cut back on our online shopping.
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were herepizza delivery driver: sir, we said 30 min or less
What’s that thing called when your crush likes you back? oh yeah imagination
If your mother in law and your father in law were both engulfed in flames, and you only had one fire extinguisher,
where would you hide it?
Foreigner: I want to know what love is.
Me: And I want to know why people do weird things like put butter on banana bread.
Pretty sure the inventor of noise-canceling headphones had a young kid trying to learn a band instrument.
Wife: “Do you want to watch Batman Forever?”
Me: “I’ll watch it for a couple of hours.”
Wife: “I hate you.”
My son made us all hide then jump out and yell ‘surprise!’ for his birthday. If you guys aren’t planning the same for my birthday on Tuesday, it’s gonna sting
If E.T. is making your bicycle fly through the sky, why do you still have to pedal?
Mom: why aren’t you and your “friend” close anymore?
Me:
Toy Story (1995) – A cowboy & a deluded astronaut battle over who gets to sleep with a 6-year-old boy.
3 is throwing cheerios across the room for 1 to fetch, and I’m just wondering why I didn’t think of that first
*rips finished page from adult coloring book*
*puts it on daughter’s toy kitchen fridge*